There have been decades of speculation about the state of my existence
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Primetime has a spectacular ensemble cast. Even the people that only have one scene make sure it counts
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Plastic Surgeon *looking at me*: Hmmm. What if you just became one of those DJs that wears a huge mask
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Guy that eats at Raising Cane's because Kirk Herbstreet's dog Peter Herbstreet also eats there
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Let's google my cat's name that'd be funny. Ha. Arrest record. Little paw print on the top. That's pretty good. Wait. Illicit transport of explosives aboard a commercial airl... the training of terr... solicitation to murd...
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Mark retweeted
I wish I could unlearn how to swim just because I think it would be funny to be pushing 30 and not know how
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Used to have "Funeral March" as my wake-up alarm but it completely ruined that song for me
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“I’m not giving candy to a grown man trick or treating”
Ok so the alternative is me drinking and causing trouble in the neighborhood. You’d rather I do that?
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The kids that were just swinging for the fences during childhood pillow fights all hold government positions now and are poisoning your food and water
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Going into a post office feels like participating in a reality competition show where the only prize is sending mail
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