Pre-order my new book, “Brian of DC Roofing and Waterproofing in Rocklin, CA Sent Me Dick Pics & Related Tales of the Audacity of Men” on Amazon soon.

No, I absolutely do not want that, thanks.

[pulling paper out of hat] "clams" [pulling 2nd paper out of hat] "with Hepatitis A"

Once a first grader asked me how long a poem had to be and when I said it could be just one word he wrote a poem that was just his best friend’s phone number. 💖

Heyyy i noticed u arent saying what i want

Some crazy woman referred to me as a little blonde bitch the other day and, not gonna lie, I didn’t hear anything after little 🥰

Interviewer: I’m sorry, we won’t be offering you the position Me: {full seafood boil on the table} was it the seafood boil? Interviewer: It was the seafood boil

The mother pleaded with the court to stop her ex-husband from seeing their daughters. The judge denied her. He killed all three children. Yet somehow, the blame is still placed on the mother. It is no surprise this article was written by a man.

I am torn because I really just wish we were all a little kinder and a little more gentle with each other BUT I also hate everybody and everybody annoys me

Hear me out…speed dating but to find a therapist.

The problem with the GOP trying to appeal to Gen-Z boys is that most of them can’t really read and have no idea where to go to vote anyway.

The workload isn’t just washing the dishes and cleaning the toilets. There’s yogurt from 2 days ago splattered across the baseboards. The crevice of the dining room bench and the couch cushions have little toy figurines and magnatiles lodged inside. There’s two different types of crayons on the floor with little Viking Playmobil hats scattered amongst them. There’s playscarves on the wooden floor, dust collecting in the corners of the halls and on my vintage chandeliers. Two poppi cans exploded in the fridge. Wet clothes are on the laundry room floor from water play this morning. A gift needs to be wrapped, another gift needs to be made, another needs to be bought. My daughter is asking me where her yellow dress is with the pink flowers. Snacks, dinnertime again. My youngest is growing out of his pajamas I need to put that on the thrift list. We are almost out of soap and I need to make dentist appointments for my two youngest and so on. I’ve rattled lists like these off before. Mention this, or even subtly hint at this specific job being a challenging one and watch men crumble right before your eyes as they transform you into a neurotic bitch who needs to do way less. Like okay, let’s live in caves then. Let’s devolve

I’ve recently realized I DO, in fact, have a type and these men are all probably a little autistic. Everything suddenly makes perfect sense, and every conversation is funnier. Delighted by all of them. Nothing’s really going anywhere anytime soon though. 😂

Guy I dated: I bet I’d hate to know what your friends say about me. Me: Aw. Yeah. I’d try not to think about it. Him: …Is it funny? Me: …Do you think it would be funny? Him: Probably not to me. Me: Probably not to you.

Someone asked if they could call me at 9pm and I was like haha yeah of course I will still be up at 9pm and guys, I’m not actually at all confident that I can stay awake that long.

She's a 10, but she corrects people's grammar.