If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts you can text or call 988 in the U.S. for immediate support.
Sometimes help getting through the next hour is the next right step.
For so much of my life I had the reflexive thought “I want to die” when I was really struggling or pain became perceptually intolerable (it was tolerable, as evidenced by I am still here). Now I have the thought “I want to go home”. One says I want the pain to end by any means necessary. The other says I believe I can survive this with respite and support (even if I’m not always clear of where or what home is, if not just myself).
I ask sometimes what it looks like to heal from an assault or chronic injustice that I can’t make stop. This. I think this is part of what healing while surviving the awful thing looks like.
Anyways, today, I want to go home. And I will be okay.