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Any college football fan will tell you that the rivalries between teams can get pretty vicious, but one school just took things to a whole new level: The Ohio State football team’s marching band just formed an incredibly realistic depiction of the other team’s quarterback drowning in a grain silo.
Damn. That is absolutely merciless. Ohio State is clearly out for blood.
In the middle of a game against their longtime rivals, the University of Michigan, the Ohio State University Marching band launched into a rendition of “Take On Me” by A-ha and started marching in a formation that presented a shockingly detailed depiction of Michigan’s quarterback struggling for his life in a grain silo while getting buried alive in an avalanche of corn. The band’s entire trumpet section started sprinting in unison to become the torrent of grain spilling into the quarterback’s mouth and filling his lungs. Meanwhile the percussion section and trombone players worked together to form the quarterback’s arms, and they moved in elaborate patterns to make it look like the quarterback was clawing helplessly at the smooth walls of the silo, finding nothing to grab onto as he was entombed alive.
Off to the side of the main formation, the tuba players and flute sections marched in a pattern that depicted a firefighter standing outside the grain silo while several band members arranged themselves into a speech bubble coming out of the firefighter’s mouth that said, “I can’t save you, but if I could, I still wouldn’t.”
Holy shit. This would have been insanely impressive even if the band wasn’t also executing a flawless performance of “Take On Me.” Needless to say, this is completely devastating for Michigan.
As if Ohio State’s brutal celebration of their rival quarterback’s death wasn’t enough of a psychological blow to Michigan, the Michigan quarterback’s mom even came onto the field and played the melody of the last verse of “Take On Me” as a marimba solo while the rest of the band marched in a formation depicting her son’s head disappearing forever as the deluge of grain swallowed him up. When the song was over, she gave her son the finger before leaping off the field in a series of back handsprings as the crowd went absolutely nuts.
It’s hard to see how Michigan bounces back from this one. By the end of the song, most of the Michigan players were visibly shaken, and the quarterback seemed to be crying. There might be another two quarters left to play in this game, but thanks to what is in all likelihood the cruelest rendition of “Take On Me” ever performed, this thing seems pretty much over. Other teams should take note: Ohio State’s marching band players are soulless mercenaries of death!
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My name is Steven Spielberg and I am a movie director. I eat, breathe, and sleep the movies, so there are some things that I as a filmmaker may take for granted that even the most diehard cinema buff may not be aware of. Like, for instance, were you aware that “movies” are called “movies” because they “move” around?
If you think about it, it actually makes a whole lot of sense!
I remember a late night phone call with Alfred Hitchcock back in the ‘70s where I revealed to him that my favorite part about movies was the moving around part. “Mine too!” he said. “That part is great!” We agreed that if the movies didn’t move, neither one of us would want to even watch them, much less make them. Hitchcock was old enough to remember when movies with talking in them were called “talkies.” “When talkies came out, the talking was good,” he told me, “But the moving was what made them movies.”
The fact that movies move is one of the most breathtaking things about them. Countless days on the sets of blockbuster films such as E.T. or Jaws I’ve donned my director’s cap and signature windbreaker and said to myself, “Steven, let’s get out there and really make this film live up to the name ‘motion picture!’” I tell my actors, “Swing those arms! Dash those legs from side to side! Bob those heads around! People come to the movies to see moving! No one wants to sit in a crowded theater for two hours staring at a single thing which does not move! They want to see thousands of things moving around and doing stuff.”
A producer on Saving Private Ryan asked me if I believed moving was necessary to tell the story. “Yeah,” I told him. He agreed.
You see, moving is the whole point. MOVE-ies. It’s one of the main things people look for when they watch a movie, the moving part. We actually shot two versions of Raiders of the Lost Ark. One is the version we know today, and the other was a static shot of Indy mid-sentence with his mouth half open that played for 98 minutes. We showed both to test audiences and surveyed them afterwards, and the results of the surveys were markedly different. While those who viewed the “moving” version were able to easily answer questions about the film’s plot and characters, the viewers of the 98 minute still image had a much harder time following the story. Clearly, seeing the characters move around and talk and fight and stuff made a big difference in the film’s impact.
Why isn’t television called “movies” when it too “moves” around? Who knows. No one ever said everything has to make perfect sense. It’s too late now. Movies are movies and T.V. is T.V. Both move around, but only one is movies. But if you’re watching a movie on T.V. it’s still a movie. Don’t worry.
Hopefully this has helped clarify why exactly movies are called that (it’s due to the fact they “move” around). We’ve gone from watching movies at the cinema, to watching them on video tape on our televisions, to streaming them on our phones and tablets. But as long as there is an audience who appreciates seeing things move, there will be movies.
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Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children.
And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT!
According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation.
So heartwarming!
But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant.
Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not.
Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”
Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!
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Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.
It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.
In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor.
Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back.
Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.
God. This is as depressing as it gets.
It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!
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Don't worry. We didn't do Nebraska. Shop all of our United Shirts of America at store.clickhole.com.
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Awesome: Vera Wang Is Releasing A Tear-Away Wedding Dress For Brides Who Have A Basketball Game During The Ceremony clickhole.com/2017/11/06/awe…
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Anyone Who Tells You ‘Riding Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage Won’t Get You Any Pussy’ Has Clearly Never Ridden Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage clickhole.com/2026/09/16/any…
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It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance.
When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry.
There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos.
Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even.
An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber.
Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter.
Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog.
All moments of immaculate harmony.
Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings.
What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?
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