I went outside today with ONE objective.
Get the mail.
Thatโs it.
A normal adult activity that should take approximately 45 seconds.
Unfortunately, I saw a crow.
And the crow saw me.
Now, I donโt know what came over me, but I nodded at him.
He nodded back.
So obviously weโre colleagues now.
I said, โWhatโs up, fucker?โ
He screamed.
I screamed back.
This was apparently the password.
Because ANOTHER crow showed up.
Then another.
Within two minutes I had accidentally assembled a small airborne council in my driveway.
My neighbor walked outside and asked what I was doing.
I said, โDiplomacy.โ
She went back inside.
Smart woman.
Anyway, I decided my new associates deserved snacks, so I went inside and came back with peanuts.
This is where negotiations deteriorated.
One crow took a peanut.
One crow stole THREE.
And Geraldโ
I named the biggest one Geraldโ
Gerald ignored the peanuts entirely and stole a fucking spoon off my porch.
Why was there a spoon on my porch?
Irrelevant.
Gerald has it now.
Thatโs between him and God.
I tried following him because THAT WAS A GOOD SPOON.
This resulted in me barefoot, halfway across the yard, yelling,
โGERALD YOU THIEVING SKY BASTARD, WE HAD AN AGREEMENT.โ
Thatโs when I noticed a little kid across the street staring at me.
I stared back.
He stared at the crows.
Then back at me.
I whispered, โTheyโve chosen me.โ
His mother immediately called him inside.
Anyway.
I never got the mail.
Gerald has my spoon.
There are now seven crows sitting on the power line outside my house.
And one of them just dropped a bottle cap on my driveway.
So either Iโve been accepted into their societyโฆ
or theyโre paying me.
I donโt know.
But tomorrow Iโm giving them walnuts and assigning ranks.
Gerald is already on thin fucking ice.