My wife called me this morning and told me that the truck wouldn't start because there was water in the carburetor. I laughed and said, "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous, you don't even know where the carburetor is. Where's the truck?" She said, "In the lake."

Hey Kettle Calling the Pot, Why would a “marketing company” as esteemed as yourselves worry about this when there are all these issues in the world? Yet I see you are petty enough to publicly contact a company about a pen mark & ask for a replacement instead of going back to the store? 🙄🤣👋🏻

Me, How did you meet your husband? Her, I'm a pharmacist. He came to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL. After we got married I realized that he stutters...

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?". "£124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend like and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's fucked, you might as well gan fishin."

They should get Nigella to smear custard over her fucking tits for those of us who couldn’t give a fuck about making cakes

I am so fucking sick of ordering shit that says "get it by tomorrow" and I as soon as I pay for it it's like "arriving on Thursday!" Or "arriving by October 12!" THE FUCK YOU MEAN? I PICKED THIS SHIT SPECIFICALLY BCZ IT SAID IT WOULD BE HERE TOMORROW. Fucking cunts.

When I was 18 I PROPER fell in love, unfortunately I couldn’t afford to keep taking her out and she dumped me for a bloke with money. Anyway fast forward 30 years, she Facebook friended me and wanted to meet. She’s got 6 kids and I wouldn’t bum it if she paid me, time heals 🤣🤣

Andy Burnham averages 1-2 tweets a day, rising to 3-4 a day around key political events. Three days and no tweets. That’s roughly when the Abu Dhabi bungs story broke. Makes you think.

Yes. We are literally at that point.

A German truck driver is sitting in a Liverpool bar, mouthing off about how lazy the British are... He says, 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drop my load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days." A drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in Hamburg and make it back to Liverpool the same day!' The German man gives a sarcastic laugh and replies, 'Oh yeah, old man, what rig were you driving?' The old fella replied, A Lancaster Bomber, mate!'

I’m tired of feeding, hearing, watering, protecting, seeing, medicating, smelling, educating, funding, clothing, housing, entertaining, babysitting, & interacting with useless, do-nothing, hyper-violent, hyper-sexual, 60 IQ, vapid, worthless negroes 🦍🐒🦧

It is 1942, and a German army is attacking a hill held by English troops... As the Germans approach the English position, they hear an English voice over the hill. "One English soldier is better than 10 German soldiers!" The German general laughs as he sends 10 men up the hill to capture it. There is gunfire for a minute, and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice. "One English soldier is better than a hundred of yours!" Annoyed, the Soviet general sends a hundred men to capture the hill. There is gunfire and bombs going for ten minutes, and everything goes silent again. Suddenly, the same voice yells out - "One English soldier is better than a thousand German soldiers!" Enraged, the general sends a thousand men, accompanied by tanks, artillery, and mortar teams, and tells them to not return until the hill is theirs. For half an hour, hell breaks loose: bombs and explosions, gunfire, screams and death all around, and then it goes silent again. One German soldier crawls back, severely wounded and battered. Before the general could say anything, the soldier says: "Do not send more troops, General; it's a trap! There are two of them."

Just so you know - if youre marching through London today celebrating the murder of thousands of Jewish people and festival go'ers from other countries by a Muslim terrorist organisation then youre a complete cunt. If youre the @metpoliceuk , The Mayor of London @MayorofLondon and the Home Secretary @ShabanaMahmood allowing this then youre an even bigger CUNT.

I just visited a migrant HMO in Kersal after it got completely destroyed. The community said they didn’t want it, they were ignored, this was the result

Yesterday four Afghans 🇦🇫 were jailed for a gang rape. Meanwhile in Salford, Manchester an HMO occupied by Afghans has been smashed up. It appears it was done by locals. The Afghans left in the middle of the night 🌙. This may become a common occurrence.

🤬🤬😤My wife takes her 2023 RAV4 to the dealership for a recall service. This was for an airflow sensor After finishing they come out and tell her that her horn isn’t functioning and that it would be $145 to diagnose the issue + labor and parts to repair Mind you she knows for a fact that the horn worked this morning The techs specifically said “we checked all the connections and so it’s not that” I told her to decline and bring it home Mind you this is so unlikely to be anything other than a fuse or the fact that they unplugged it and forgot to plug it back in or worse, straight up scamming After testing the fuse and the relay, as well as the clock spring, I take the radiator cover off to inspect the plugs at the horn and what do you know both horns are unplugged The airflow sensor is nowhere near these plugs so there’s zero chance these were taken off as part of the job not to mention they said they “checked the plugs” It’s also impossible they both happen to vibrate loose @Toyota I buy a brand new car from you and this is how you treat us?? This was at Toyota of Santa Cruz Stealership @SantaC_Toyota

In 2008, Sir Ranulph Fiennes informed his sister and his late wife’s sister of his plan to commit suicide on Everest b/c of his wife. The sisters urged me to follow Ran to Nepal and prevent him from executing his plan. That’s how I ended up on summit of Everest as a non-climber.

Shortly before his 2013 departure for Antarctica, Sir Ranulph Fiennes informed me in Cape Town of his plan to commit suicide there, desperately unhappy over his mistreatment by Louise Millington-Cotes. I followed Ran out to sea aboard a helo, assuming this was our final farewell.

I've been informed that the police will take no action on this death threat, again. Lucy Connolly spends months in prison, yet vile specimens like Khalid who threaten those of us on the right get absolutely no punishment. Two-tier Britain.

My tweet yesterday about Burnham suddenly disappearing triggered a lot of leftards, who came back with “Give him a break, he’s burying his dad” If you cast your mind back to 2007, he didn’t give much of a fuck when people’s mum’s and dads were left to drink water from vases in Mid Stafford hospital. Where the ‘Liverpool care pathway’ was used as a Euphemism to leave people to die of hunger and thirst. And where he ran a whitewash inquiry to cover it all up. So fuck that guy.