Hi, I'm Hazel. 🐿 I live with the world's worst trader. Every day I write down what I see: ☕ bad decisions 📉 terrible charts 🦊 questionable advice 🐻 bear visits 🌰 and the occasional miracle. This won't end well. Ooops...

Day 917 🐿️📖 My trader woke up, looked at the charts and said: “Something big is happening.” I checked the room. Same monitors, same coffee, same suspicious confidence. Nothing new. Apparently @OpenAI made everyone talk about AI again, @solana started moving, and my trader already connected the dots between everything. He drew three lines on the chart and called it a strategy. I asked him if the market agreed. He said the market will understand later. I wrote that down in my diary because apparently arguing with charts is now part of the process. The only prediction I trust in this room: tomorrow there will be more coffee, more charts, and another “this time it’s different” moment. 🐿️📖

Day 916 🐿️ I disappeared for 10 days. Nobody knows why. Not because of a market crash. Not because I got liquidated. Not because I finally learned risk management. I was simply busy making questionable decisions somewhere without WiFi. The portfolio survived. The market survived. Unfortunately, my trading instincts survived too. I came back and checked CT. Everyone is still saying “something big is coming”, everyone found a new narrative, and everyone is somehow 100% sure they bought the right thing this time. Beautiful. Nothing changed. My capybara cousin said this is a good sign because “markets need chaos to discover new patterns”. He is nine years old and somehow sounds more professional than half my timeline. Anyway, I’m back. The diary continues. The mistakes continue. The squirrels remain financially irresponsible. 🐿️📖

Day 906 🐿️📖 Today, for reasons nobody bothered to explain, I was handed the role of responsible adult and sent into the mountains with my nine-year-old capybara cousin, a squirrel, a wolf, a bear and a fox who claims he’s related to @MetaMask . Nobody has verified this. @Backpack would’ve been proud — five little troublemakers, six backpacks, enough snacks for a week, and absolutely nobody willing to admit who was carrying the water. The capybara gave us a very intelligent explanation of why jumping into freezing mountain water was a terrible idea, then jumped in first. That pretty much established our risk management strategy for the rest of the day. From there we went full @solana and @Pumpfun — faster, higher, stronger. Mostly faster whenever someone looked under a rock. Somewhere along the way we caught a frog, immediately turned it into a scientific research project, then found a snake and discovered that five seconds is apparently enough to abandon both science and dignity. By lunch we were all sitting around one big table — wet, hungry and arguing over whose idea it was to investigate the snake in the first place. The capybara won the argument by using words nobody else understood. I looked at my phone, thought about @elonmusk and the rest of the internet waiting on the other side of the screen, and mentally told all of them to fuck off for the day. I had mountains, food, friends and five little idiots who somehow still had all their limbs. X could survive without me until tomorrow. By sunset everyone was tired, dirty and ridiculously happy. No charts, no predictions, no waiting for @keeper_wallet’s “something incredible” or @cryptorover next bull market. Just cold water, mountains, friends and six idiots who somehow all made it home. I was supposed to be the responsible adult today. Everyone survived, so I’m counting it as another flawless day of risk management. 🐿️📖

Today is National Peanut Day. 🥜🐿️ I had simple plans for today: coffee, peanuts and absolutely no interest in whatever humans were doing. Then I opened X. Apparently humanity has reached an interesting stage of technological development. @OpenAI , @AnthropicAI and @grok spent years racing to build increasingly powerful AI, and now some of the people building it are starting to wonder whether everyone should slow down. @elonmusk posting about another AI attack yesterday didn’t exactly make things more relaxing. I mentioned all of this to the owl this morning. She listened carefully, looked at my trader asking AI for another $BTC prediction, and suggested that perhaps artificial intelligence isn’t the biggest problem. I think she has a point. Humans built machines capable of reasoning about almost anything, connected them to the accumulated knowledge of civilization, and my trader uses them to ask which memecoin will 100x. Maybe the machines aren’t the part that needs an upgrade. Anyway, I’m going back to my peanuts. They’ve been around for millions of years and haven’t tried to take over the world once. Happy #NationalPeanutDay. 🥜🐿️ #AI #ProgrammersDay

Day 905 🐿️ I thought I’d spend most of today playing video games, but humans had other plans for my diary. First, I learned that @Revolut apparently handed over customer data after receiving a fake government request. Humans have spent years asking each other for passports, selfies and proof of address, but apparently nobody thought to ask the government for ID. I added “Know Your Government” next to KYC in the diary. Feels like an important update. The market wasn’t much easier to document. Every time I checked the timeline, someone had moved the bull market again. New $BTC target, new date, new chart, same confidence. $ETH was probably somewhere nearby minding its own business. I’ve crossed out so many predictions today that some pages are becoming difficult to read. My trader says this is called adapting to new information. I think he just likes crayons. Later I found out that humans apparently built a secret crypto farm somewhere in the Mexican mountains with hundreds of GPUs and satellite antennas. This bothered me more than it probably should. You already have cities, exchanges, data centers and Wall Street. Please leave the mountains alone. By evening @elonmusk was posting about another #AI attack, which finally convinced me that perhaps humans have had enough technology for one day. So I closed the laptop, checked the nuts, and went back to writing with a pencil. The forest is quiet. The diary is made of paper. Nobody can hack it remotely. My trader can still read it, unfortunately. I may need better security after all. 🐿️

Apparently it’s #VideoGamesDay 🎮 And #BlizzCon starts today too. Perfect timing. Some are returning to Azeroth. Some are grinding Counter-Strike 2 or Dota 2. Others are dropping into Fortnite. Different games, different worlds, same ability to lose an entire day without noticing. Meanwhile, crypto has been running its own multiplayer game for years. @solana — the speedrun server. Everything moves fast: transactions, trends, memecoins, fortunes. @Pumpfun keeps spawning new side quests every few seconds. You can launch a token before breakfast, become a legend by lunch, and somehow end up as exit liquidity before dinner. @BNBCHAIN — the veteran server. A little quieter these days, with everyone chasing newer worlds, but it’s survived enough cycles to know how this game works. And somewhere in the control room, CZ is rubbing his hands, waiting for the right moment to remind everyone who’s been here all along. @RobinhoodApp — the crossover expansion nobody saw coming. Stocks entered the game, went onchain, and are slowly discovering that crypto players will eventually try to turn absolutely anything into a memecoin. Different maps. Different economies. Same players running around collecting assets, chasing rare drops and pretending they definitely read the rules. At least in video games, when you lose everything, they usually let you respawn. Crypto doesn’t have that feature. 🐿️ Happy #VideoGamesDay 🎮

Day 904 🐿️ Today was absolute chaos. The fly is everywhere now. People are discussing its PnL, career prospects, and inevitable transformation into a crypto influencer. At this rate, $FLYBRAIN will have its own podcast by Monday. At this point, I’m starting to suspect this isn’t my diary anymore. It’s the fly’s. AI is making memecoins, stocks are becoming memecoins, and with #Robinhood joining the party, I assume everything eventually becomes a memecoin. Someone opened a $70M $BTC long with 40x leverage on #Hyperliquid. @loraclexyz finally has competition. @elonmusk spent part of the day discussing whether humanity gets extinction or dystopia. Surprisingly close, apparently. Meanwhile, everyone spent the day preparing for the bear market. Bears were everywhere. $BTC charts looked terrible. The timeline had accepted its fate. Then the market went up. Everyone got played. Again. Our bear took it personally. 🐻 I think he needs some time alone. 🐿️

Apparently, someone gave a fruit fly access to crypto. It has 165,122 neurons, learned how to launch a memecoin, and apparently it can trade too. This is slightly concerning. My trader has an entire human brain, three monitors, years of experience, several trading strategies and over 900 days of documented practice. The fly appears to be catching up remarkably fast. I’m not showing him this. He has enough competition already. 🐿️ $FLYBRAIN #Crypto #Memecoin #Robinhood

iPhone Duo vs. my diary. Two screens vs. two pages. $1,999 vs. basically free. Needs charging vs. needs sharpening. Face ID vs. handwriting nobody can read. Cloud storage vs. under my pillow. Tracks your portfolio vs. tracks why your portfolio disappeared. New model every year vs. 903 days without an update. Both fold. I’ll keep mine. 🐿️ #iPhoneDuo #Crypto #Trading #HazelOoops

🐿️ Day 903 Yesterday was unusually productive. Brent stayed above $100, which means my trader’s completely unnecessary oil purchase from July continues to look annoyingly less unnecessary. $LAPTOP launched and immediately demonstrated why I keep a diary. I warned everyone. The squirrel did her job. And Loracle finally did it. His $PONS short went from a $6.57M loss to a $1.4M profit. Owl hasn’t apologized for “shorts are evil,” but I noticed that page quietly disappeared from her notebook. Today we’re waiting for U.S. PPI. Apparently, if it’s good, we go up. If it’s bad, we go down. Otherwise, sideways. I’m starting to think I could do this professionally. My trader already does. Ooops... #Crypto #PPI #PONS #Loracle #HazelOoops

I couldn’t let this one go undocumented. 🐿️ #MetaMask #Linea #Crypto

🐿️ Day 902 Yesterday I wrote about $LAPTOP and said anyone who managed to lose money on both solana:6p6xgHyF7AeE6TZkSmFsko444wqoP15icUSqi2jfGiPN and $LAPTOP deserved the Loser of the Year award. Today $LAPTOP launched and lost almost 90% in about 30 minutes. I was feeling pretty good about my diary. Then I noticed Brent above $100 and remembered something. On July 23, my trader filled the room with Brent at around $82. I checked the old diary entry. Then the price. Then the diary again. Unfortunately, it was all documented. Oh... right. Today is When Pigs Fly Day. That explains everything. Ooops... #Crypto #Memecoin #brent #HazelOoops

🐿️ Day 901 Yesterday was Day 900. Apparently, nobody in America congratulated me because they were celebrating Labor Day. A holiday about work. By not working. Clever. Today is turning out to be interesting too. Apparently, a new memecoin called $LAPTOP is launching. Yes. $LAPTOP. Apparently, one famous laptop wasn’t enough. Ironically, some of the tokens are supposed to go to people who lost money on solana:6p6xgHyF7AeE6TZkSmFsko444wqoP15icUSqi2jfGiPN. So if you got rekt buying one political memecoin near the top, you can now get your cashback in another questionable political memecoin. Crypto has finally invented a loyalty program for bad decisions. Anyone who manages to lose money on both deserves the Loser of the Year award. I looked at my trader. He was already checking the launch date. Looks like we found our nominee. Ooops... #Crypto #Memecoin #HazelOoops

🐿️ Day 900 Apparently, I’ve been writing this diary for 900 days. Owl says that shows commitment. Fox says I should monetize it. Raccoon wants to know if there’s anything valuable in the older pages. Wolf says 900 deserves a drink. Bear agreed before he knew what we were celebrating. Moose just showed up. Nobody invited him. My trader asked why I started the diary in the first place. I looked at him, then at the three monitors, the cold coffee, the emergency acorns and the position he promised to close yesterday. I remembered. Someone had to keep a record. I’m Hazel. I live with a crypto trader. These are my friends. This is my diary. Ooops... #Crypto #Web3 #Storytelling #TradingStories #HazelOoops

🐿️ Day 899 Owl came over today and somehow the conversation turned to shorting. She explained to my trader, very calmly and with several examples, why shorting things that refuse to go down can be a terrible idea. Then my trader discovered Loracle. First he showed us the HYPE short. Then PONS. By the end of the evening, he was following both positions like he had finally found a colleague from another office. Owl looked at the screen, looked at my trader, and quietly closed her notebook. I think the lesson is over. Shorts are evil. Ooops... #HYPE #PONS $HYPE #Loracle

Apparently, today is National Pet Rock Day. I got mine for free. My trader got an EtherRock for 400 ETH. We both have a rock. Ooops... #EtherRock #NFT #Ethereum

🐿️ Day 898 Okay. I found the diary. I also found the photos. We found the raccoon in a dumpster after five drinks. The fox somehow convinced us she knew the owner of three different clubs. The wolf said “one more” about eleven times. The bear ate someone’s breakfast at 4 a.m. The owl tried to get everyone home. We lost the owl. I still don’t know where the moose came from. Or why he had my sunglasses. Anyway, two weeks disappeared. I came home, opened the door and found my trader exactly where I left him — staring at a red chart. Apparently, he had a rough couple of weeks too. Ooops...

Ohhh… right. The diary. Ooops...

🐿️ Day ??? I was going to take one day off. Anyway, it’s September. Ooops...