I was sexually abused as a child. I thought I knew pain, but I didn't know true pain, trauma and betrayal until I went to
@NHSuk with my symptoms.
I was 21 at the time, and didn't know I had been abused. But I was crushed by my emotions and didn't know why. I had been using alcohol to cope, and needed to talk to someone to help me make sense of it.
Instead of being offered support to cope with alcohol, I was referred for
#CBT. This did not help and antagonised me further. I felt profoundly misunderstood.
My GP prescribed me
#prozac. I later admitted the abuse to myself, and was referred for counselling. But when I got there, I was facing a bigger problem - I couldn't describe my emotions because I couldn't feel them. I couldn't feel my sexuality so I couldn't explore themes relating to the abuse.
To my horror, this didn't resolve. I took Prozac for around 3 years, and when I stopped taking it, my emotions or sexuality didn't return. I initially did not understand that these were known side effects of the drug, because no one explained this.
As well as carrying the secret of abuse, I was also in the closet because I was gay. I didn't have the chance to have a relationship with a woman until after prozac, but over more than a decade of psychological damage, I realised I was never going to be able to make this work because I have
#PSSD, caused by past antidepressant use.
Not only did
#SSRIs take away my ability to process my trauma, but they also made sure I would never be able to experience emotion, sexuality, establish my identity, or have genuine relationships in my lifetime.
If I had not gone to the GP that day, and instead continued using alcohol, I could have found an alcohol support group. I could have got the help I needed down the line, or found the power in myself to move on.
But that option was removed from me, because assumptions were made and I was not given enough time or an adequate level of support to be able to uncover the abuse underlying my distress before I was given drugs.
What does that mean for me? Nothing, because no one can help me. An apology won't fix my life.
Can we learn from my experience? Not really, because the NHS are not listening to my feedback, and
@DHSCgovuk dismissed my ask for support for people living with PSSD.
This could have been easily avoided had someone taken the time to listen to me and understand my behaviour instead of judging it.
bbc.com/news/articles/c0kl40ā¦