PART 1
Yes, and I’ll tell you why I’m convinced it does. I went to college as an adult in my late twenties. I’d been somewhat of a cultural Christian when I was younger, but if your faith isn’t real, college will strip away the facade, and that’s pretty much what happened. Then my little brother committed suicide after he found out his wife and best friend were having an affair. And that did it. I was now agnostic…even leaning toward atheism.
Ended up dropping out of college, hanging around bars and finally hard drugs. But people that cared about me helped me when I was down and out without expecting anything in return, and that had a deep and profound influence on me, so I was able to taper off drugs, and sort of get my life back on track.
My best friend even told me a that a lot of physicists start off as atheists, but become more and more convinced of an intelligence somewhere in the works of the cosmos as they progress in their studies. So I started reading a lot of physics books, and I’d think and wonder about God, not the Christian concept of God, but the creator of universe God. I didn’t believe in a personal God, nor did I believe in eternal life for humans. I became a sort of scientific pantheist. I figured that in his normal state, God was a unified particle/force that was infinitely dense and infinitely hot, courtesy of Leon Lederman’s book, The God Particle, about the search for the Higgs boson.
While God might be able to conceptualize things like love and hate, good and evil, right and wrong, chess and music, he couldn’t really experience those things in isolation. So he calculated and BIG BANG!!! He exploded into a universe where sentient being could evolve and think and wonder about him, thereby giving meaning to his life. Eventually all the stars would burn out, all life in the universe would cease, gravity would slow the expansion of the universe and reverse it, culminating in the BIG CRUNCH; God would be back together and all this would be part of his experience, although I didn’t think God was able to communicate with humans even if he wanted to.
In 1997 I was living with another chess master in San Antonio who happened to be a devout atheist. One day I was in my bedroom reading a book by the physicist Paul Davies, God & the New Physics. He wrote, if God created the universe, then it has purpose. If that purpose is never achieved, then God will have failed. While I was contemplating that statement, an overwhelming feeling of vulnerability hit me, really, it overcame and engulfed me…and I’ve never felt so profoundly vulnerable and utterly helpless ever before in my life. And I knew it was not being generated by my own mind…it was coming from outside of me. It wasn’t physically painful, but it was psychologically and emotionally devastating. I wondered at that moment—perhaps God CAN communicate somehow—via the quantum/sub atomic realm…that perhaps God had taken a risk in creating the Universe…that perhaps he could fail, and then nothing would have any meaning.
I rushed downstairs to the living room where my roommate was watching television. I was in tears so I just blurted it out. “We have to save God!” Because of my worldview at the time, it was the only way I could interpret the experience. He held up both his hands and admonished me, “I don’t want nothing to do with that!” I glanced at the television; I suppose a church commercial had just come on. This guy was writing on one of those big paper tablets that sit on a tripod. And he wrote: Beware, Satan will try to distract you. I pointed to it. I knew it must mean something, just the timing of it and all. My roommate told me, “You can’t look for religious signs on public television, next thing I know, you’ll be saying I’m Satan.” “I don’t think Satan’s a person, (I do now), maybe it’s an idea that God can fail.” “Well I don’t think God’s a person either,” he replied.