Now that almost all the victims of the surreal scene of a building collapsing on top of its inhabitants in Gaza overnight have been pulled from the rubble, I can’t stop myself from saying that this has been one of my recurring nightmares since 2021, waking me up in the middle of the night multiple times.
Having survived several Israeli attacks, I never had nightmares about being killed.. that doesn’t quite scare me. My worst nightmare is being asleep safely in my bed and suddenly seeing the ceiling collapse, the walls break, and myself falling with my entire apartment to the ground.
In 2021, following Israel’s devastating 51-day attack on Gaza, I interviewed a survivor who had been pulled from under the rubble after an Israeli airstrike. She told me she didn’t hear the bombing when the building was hit, but the moment it was hit, and just before it collapsed, she saw cracks appearing in the wall in front of her. She pointed at the wall and tried to ask her family, “What’s this?" Before she could finish the sentence, she woke up after some time of fainting to find herself trapped under the rubble. She spent hours there before civil defence rescuers reached her.
I documented her story. And ever since, I have relived it multiple times in my sleep.
Throughout the genocide and until now, my brain has woken me up in the middle of nightmares, seemingly trying to save itself from the pressure it was under, giving me an almost real experience of being trapped beneath the rubble.
Over the past few months, however, I have started having a different kind of nightmare. Less chaotic, just one single scene, but equally traumatising.
In a random conversation with the kind of context only Gazans would understand, I spoke to a colleague about it just last week.
I stepped into the office, made coffee and sat at my desk, visibly not in the mood. He routinely asked how I was doing.
“Not in the mood,” I replied. “I had a nightmare.”
“What was it?” he asked.
“I saw a yellow block right on our street corner,” I replied.
“Oh, merciful God. God forbid,” he said.
“Amen,” I replied, and continued with what I was doing.
A moment of silence passed before I laughed: “I just imagined someone abroad listening to our conversation and hearing you react like that to a colleague casually telling you she saw a yellow block in her dream," I told him. "How would they understand your reaction? Would it make sense to the most sophisticated psychologists, unfamiliar with our reality, that dreaming of a yellow block could require psychological support?”
“No one would imagine,” he replied.
And that’s exactly it. No one would imagine, how Israel is effectively perpetrating genocide across every single aspect of Palestinains’ lives.
(*The yellow blocks are concrete blocks the Israeli occupation army places in civilian neighbourhoods to mark what it calls the “Yellow Line". Once residents see a yellow block placed at the doorstep of their homes, they know they have to evacuate immediately because the Israeli army is preparing to flatten the neighbourhood and move the line deeper into Gaza, an area that now cuts through around 70% of the Strip)