After years in Austin I moved back home to figure some things out, sorry for being MIA, I thought this year would bring about change, it definitely did, but not in the ways I imagined. A lot of self-discovery and needing to change how things have been, a new chapter I guess.

:-)

I would like to share some personal thoughts to be vulnerable to allow others who are going through something similar to relate to, to let whoever know that they are not alone. The past month has been hard for me. I came back from a wonderful trip in Flordia with some very loving friends, and coming back home, I got the flu. This flu was the sickest I've been in my life. I lost a lot of weight and it did damage to my body that I am still facing now after recovering. I am experiencing a lot of fatigue, causing me to not be as productive as I was before, and guilt arises from that because I have been allowed so much time and freedom already, and I don't want to make it feel like that is being taken advantage of. As I understand I still need to get work done as what I output is also an extension of someone else's livelihood, and not just mine. I also just got back from a vacation, and before that all I had to edit was an ad which I was slow to get through. However I wouldn't carry that idea if I was in a grueling corporation that is fueling and chasing endless profit, just to fuel the greed of someone's heart. But my job is in a completely different capacity, one I wish more people had the opportunity to have, and I get paid the big bucks baby. However my point being, this is me attaching my work and productivity to my self-worth to an extent, as I've gotten a lot better about that, but this circumstance is bringing up old emotions, but it is an opportunity for my growth to shine through and to hold forgiveness for myself and to allow understanding that I am more beyond than what I output, to allow myself to shed that guilt, to unblock me, so I can continue forward with finishing what I need to. However it can also be hard for people to push themselves to generate revenue to survive in a system that is not very kind or fair, that incentivizes exploiting people because their baseline of morals is within laws, and not within humanity, so it can be controlling of human nature, and perpetuating models of fear and survival, boxing people in, making them drown and not allowing growth to take place. Creating confusing actions from everyone. I hold in my heart that we have the capacity for so much more, but only time and personal growth can unfold that collectively. It's a very nuanced topic. But fear, creates blockages, which doesn't allow one to dig within themselves to bring forth new ideas from the unknown. A lot of us truly don't know ourselves, deep within, we apply facades created from societal programming, we focus on what we lack, instead of striving to be our authentic and genuine selfs. Some think they are, but they are chasing what their egos and programming tell them to. Pushing us to chase false dreams. Thus perpetuating this system. We continue to argue on multiple old archaic systems pin-holing it is as the only way forward, not realizing those old archaic systems was the growth of that era. And those before that. We can reference the past, but we shouldn't let it dictate the future. We refuse to look at root issues, because it is easier to focus on the symptoms. I believe that is a reflection of how we refuse to dig deeper into our own selves, thus being incapable to dig deeper into these nuanced problems. Rigid thinking and acting like this world is baked in absolutes, when it is all spectrums to be balanced within, so it can reflect and be projected externally. And trying to say one side or the other exists more within that, says a lot more about your own personal growth. Fear is perpetuated on both sides, just used in opposing ways to keep this control over us. Moral perfectionism is rooted in fear, and does not allow growth, nor let one hold compassion, nuance, and discernment skills. That got off topic, but I suppose it's to explore understanding. This flu allowed me to also reflect that I am not taking care of myself. I have gotten better about using substances or drugs as a crutch for me to operate in this system. This is because I am privileged with my job, where my shortcomings have been allowed time to work through them. And allowed me to reach a point that I have never been in my life before. Not everyone gets to experience that. First it was alcohol, then weed, then it was anxiety and ADHD medication, and after that, cigarettes. I no longer use alcohol, as a point in my life I was a functioning alcoholic. I barely consume it now besides with friends. I use weed now to decompress at night when I play piano before I go to sleep, instead of using it throughout the day to disassociate from life. I'm not on my medications anymore because I worked through and processed my trauma and balanced a lot of things within myself. But cigarettes I still use, and it has been a crutch again recently to try to combat my fatigue, however it only has been making me sicker. Because as I use that, I borrow time and health from tomorrow for a quick fix today. But I don't hold guilt or shame, as I know I'm climbing back to baseline regardless, and have time to work through it. I hold it within me that even with my current hardship, that I am still growing. Our life is like a sine wave, ups and downs, building up just to crumble over and over. This can create an illusion that we are stuck in a cycle, but when we zoom out, that sine wave overall is becoming much finer, the downs don't reach as far as they did before, we are climbing, always, it's just not always easily seen. Especially when you are actively going through it. I also have been stuck inside, from the flu, and then from my car getting damaged and being unable to drive because of a raccoon that I sadly hit at night, and this being the first night I finally was able to get out of the house after having the flu. That raccoon who crossed the street fully, I guess decided instead of continuing on in darkness, ran straight towards the light beaming from my car. Poor fella went through my grill, and destroyed my radiator. I felt awful. I still need to get my car repaired. A few months ago, I found myself having a breakthrough in my life, and obtained a grand and utterly new perspective on my reality, and the strength that I truly carry within. How important and loved I am, regardless of what is happening externally. This newfound peace and understanding that I never had before, that new perspective, is best described like I was navigating life through this long dark hallway, with no end in sight, but always moving forward while carrying a lot of pain and going through many different hardships from not understanding this world and not understanding why things were happening to me the way that they were, and out of nowhere, a door appeared, and as I entered through it into this room of just pure light, and hearing the door behind me close and me looking back, I saw that there was no going back, that door was gone. I now move forward carrying that light, as it shines and reveals the unknown around me. It was after coming to some realizations about some others, and about myself, and processing how my trauma from childhood and societal programming, allowed some unfavorable people into my life, as I carried people pleasing tendencies but still unconditional love for others thinking that is what will allow me to connect and to be finally understood. I carried that regardless of the pain I went through, never letting it close my heart to others, but I also had gained an inferiority complex, I had no boundaries for myself. This can attract people who felt what I gave, that positive vibe or energy, but continued to keep taking, and not giving much back besides conditional or transactional things, while letting their own trauma get the better of them, and produced hurtful actions or words that I allowed to hurt me. There is a spectrum of fear and love to balance, and some who give into fear, operate with lower feelings of shame, guilt, and anger. And they project that without even knowing. It gave me greater understanding of humanity, and to process said trauma, to face it, to feel it, and to shed it. I took ownership of it and what I can do about it, it's still a part of me, but it is transformed, and it carried so many great lessons to learn from. I realized how other people operate differently from me, who give into baseline fearful feelings, and letting that dictate their actions and their views on others. I gave so much of myself to people who didn't give much back. But that is on me to take ownership of, to not let myself be taken advantage of or to be hurt moving forward. To discern these things with nuance, case by case. I still hold compassion for those people, but that doesn't mean I'll allow them back in, as it all stems from specific circumstances of their own. We are a collective that has carried trauma through from eons ago, from survival, wars, enslavement, working through it every generation, shedding more and more of it and collectively getting better. While it may be hard to see it as that, we have to zoom out the timeline and see that even though we may be repeating things, we are doing so on a lighter scale every time, and raising up the always existing deeper problems, and eventually we'll come to find the root issue. I personally believe that to be fear. But that fear has generated collectively a lot of understanding and growth, regardless if we see it now or not. And living only in love, toxic positivity, can be blinding. It is a balance to achieve. Nuanced. So many spectrums of life that we must balance within, instead of chasing it externally. We think so many issues are external and material. But what we lack right now, is being allowed the time to dig into ourselves. We put a lot of focus on external measures that will never fix what is inside of us. We can use those external measures to keep our heads afloat, but it will never be the real solution. That answer can only come from within. I'm sorry for typing so much. I have a lot on my mind, and there is so much pain right now. But the worst thing we can do to ourselves is hold no hope for the future, as that will only output your actions to make that a reality. Be the example you wish to see, and be mindful of your actions, as your intentions carry no weight against those actions. Much love everyone, keep moving forward, hold compassion for yourself and others. Find your community and support system, but don't use it as a crutch to perpetuate fearful cognitive loops. If you can't hold detachment for the things you see on TV or online, spend more time disconnected from that, and seek the things you vibe with. Feeding that pain of yours, only keeps you bogged down from realizing the true power and importance you actually hold.

I am back, I can not keep the meds down and I am so dehydrated I am shaking

Made it home, didn’t realize that my whole house smells like vomit, also left with a $1,500 bill, God Bless America, I’m just happy to get some sleep

Been vomiting non-stop since Thursday afternoon, they said it’s the flu, and the nurses and doctors have been so caring, I feel my life force coming back, first IV in my life.