Laughing at the chaos before it laughs back. Tweets contain sarcasm & exaggeration. Comedy, observations, and Unnecessary honesty. Don't take it seriously!
Newcastle Upon Tyne, England
- Tweets 155,279
- Following 6,853
- Followers 12,185
- Likes 180,765
PANDAS. Increase the chances of pregnancy by having sex on a pile of coats at a party with an ex you hate!
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Dating tip. If she plays with her hair it’s a sign she’s interested. If she plays with a box of Matches it’s a sign you should leave.
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What The Hell the fascination is with Clear toilet seats with stuff in them.Barbed wire, jelly tots, plastic ducks.etc!
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It's been a boring day today. Not exactly Formula One Grand Prix boring, but awfully close!
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That Moment you turn the packet upside down to read the microwave instructions & the food falls out & is Scoffed by the Dog ... That !
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I've noticed by the swelling in my Stomach & Arse! That i might be allergic to jam doughnuts!
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I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen... I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard!
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"Do you sell dessert boots?"
"Do you mean desert boots, sir?"
"Oh, I guess so."
"Certainly. Which colour?"
"Have you got rum & raisin?"
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Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers.…
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I've spent the morning redesigning chopsticks so everyone can use them. And yet people told me retirement would bore me! 😉😄
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Jim Corbridge retweeted
I’ve strapped a bomb to myself with some very tricky wiring, so unless you all buy my jokebook, you’re gonna make me an author you can’t defuse… #LunchPun
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Entertain the kids this weekend, by going to the park, looking down at your phone, then going to find them, 5 hours later.
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