Parody account. I don’t exist but you’ve all worked with me or will work with me one day. SLT @ The Willows Academy Trust© Buy my 8 best selling books! Thanks x
The Willows Academy Trust ©.
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Hi all,
We would like to clarify that Mr Johnson is not “just a PE teacher”. He is a highly skilled pedagogical specialist in kinetic learning outcomes, who just happens to enjoy shouting at teenagers, who have neither the strength nor the inclination to climb a rope.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
Because Tina is no longer allowed to organise the staff raffle, we’re looking for some new to get involved. We had to stop her after last year’s “mystery prize” turned out to be a half-eaten sandwich and a signed photo of her cleavage.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
Just a reminder that “work-life balance” is a key performance indicator. Please submit evidence of you resting by 8am Monday, ideally showing you reading the latest Ofsted framework, or our SIP, while smiling. Anyone found to be really relaxing is in big trouble.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
We have had the gardeners and the window cleaners in this week. We even had the new sign put up.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
You may have seen comments on the social medias about The Academy not selling poppies this week. This has nothing to do with “wokeness” or not wanting to upset minority groups but the fact that we’ve been closed for half term. Don’t believe everything you read.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
Please note that glue sticks must be returned to the central store at the end of every lesson. This will allow us to accurately track “usage levels”, reduce unauthorised bonding and ensure no pupil leaves school with unfair adhesive advantage skills.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
Due to Mr Johnson’s recent promotion, we are looking for a Curriculum Officer for Collating Knowledge and Work On Multidisciplinary Behaviours in Learning and Education. If you think you have what it takes to be a COCKWOMBLE, you can apply on the VLE.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
It has recently been pointed out to us that The Academy prayer, Quantum ille canis est in fenestra, does not mean what our previous Head of Classics/RE told us. We will no longer be reciting it in Tutor Time, Assemblies, or at Awards Evenings.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
The headline in last week’s newsletter, “Willows’ Under 16 Girls Go All The Way” was a story about them reaching the County Cup Final and nothing to do with that incident at the Halloween Disco.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
Just a reminder, we must remain politically neutral at all times when speaking to pupils. Last week’s canteen till problem was not due to Trump, Al Qaeda, Putin, Israel, Burnham, Traitors, Reform, Temu, or people arriving in small boats. It was a faulty fuse.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
Following a rigorous book look, we are disappointed to note that several exercise books still contain evidence of actual learning. From now on, presentation will be prioritised over content. Remember: if it looks good, Ofsted will never notice the gaps.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
We have noticed that some of you have been going out on duty without your hi viz jacket and that some of you have been wearing ponchos and cloaks instead. Because of this we have no option but to start capability proceedings.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
Mr Johnson kept 9D in detention last week because someone was making noises. This is collective punishment and contravenes the Geneva Convention. As a result we feel that you need more training on Behaviour Management, so you will all attend extra CPD on Monday.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
Just a reminder that half term is not a holiday if you have underperforming classes. You’ll be expected to deliver catch-up sessions via Zoom from the beach, Center Parcs, or your mother-in-law’s spare room. For Child protection purposes, Lanyards must be worn.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
Last night’s Halloween disco was not great. Several Year 9s were found “raising the dead” behind the PE sheds, Miss Johnson’s costume was much more revealing than she realised and Mr Johnson had “ectoplasm” all over his trousers.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
Just a reminder that half term is not a holiday. It is a carefully structured period of directed time for reflective practice, curriculum mapping and catching up on the emails you ignored over the last 8 weeks.
Thanks x
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Hi all, As we head into half term, we’d like to thank every single one of you for your hard work and dedication. To show our appreciation, eat your 2 fingered Kitkat, while reading the new T&L document and uploading 300 pieces of evidence of your outstanding teaching. Thanks x
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Hi all,
Even though next week is half term, an error on the calendar says it’s also Book Scrutiny Week for all year groups. Please make sure that all your books are marked up to date and you are standing with them by your trestle table in the hall by 8:00am.
Thanks x
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Hi all,
After careful consideration, all pupil work will now be in green pen, to promote growth mindset. Purple pens are to be used for feedback, and anyone found using red will be invited to a supportive meeting about their resistance to change and passive aggression.
Thanks x
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