So I’ve been very reluctant to post about this, as it’s deeply personal, but about a week ago I converted to Christianity. I tried very hard to convince myself otherwise, but I kept having this nagging sensation that I couldn’t shake off, like someone was calling my name just out of earshot.
I’ve had very complicated feelings about God for as long as I can remember, and have gone back and forth between atheism and a deep anger for years, but for some reason the anger has disappeared. The world is still a mess, and the amount of suffering is still unfathomable, but instead of being angry at God, I’m feeling this…pull instead. Not towards any specific denomination, but towards Christ.
I’ve always been the kind of person who needs proof, and while I’ve wanted to believe for a long time, I was never able to get from “I wish there was a loving God” to actually believing in one. I don’t know what’s made the difference; there was no blinding moment of revelation. There’s just this call that I can’t ignore any longer. Every time things get quiet, I feel it tugging at me — gently but implacably.
I’ve been reading CS Lewis, and the first four books of the New Testament, and while I have no plans to start going to church, or to change the focus of this account, I’ve stopped trying to convince myself that I’m imagining things. I never expected to feel this way, but I do, and denying it any longer would be wrong.