Whenever someone tells me they’re an empath, I think, “wow, you must feel so annoyed right now.”
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Rob Crean retweeted
"I'm Allston sober. I don't drink alcohol, but I drink tons of NyQuil" -- @RobCrean
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Rob Crean retweeted
Saw this lady with a bag on her head in the Trader Joe’s parking lot and, I don’t know, just happy to be alive.
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Rob Crean retweeted
I can’t believe @JohnFKennedy tweeted this over 50 years ago and it still has zero likes.
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“live in between albums” is now available! perfect for if you enjoy my comedy but haven’t heard this album yet! thanks to @raminnazer for the cover art, to @blondemedicine for producing it, and to @RobCrean for having me on The Gas where i recorded it! blondemedicine.com/bm004
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All the people upset about The Little Mermaid being black sound so stupid. That said, if I get there and Ursula isn't a big titted butch, I will burn the theater down.
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I've know for a while that methane,the gas in farts, has no smell, so when you "smell a fart" that's actually microscopic fecal matter in your nose, but I just learned farts also have no sound, so if you hear a fart that's micro doo-doo in your ears!
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I don't look AT purses, I look THROUGH them.
I'm Allston sober. I don't drink alcohol, but I drink tons of NyQuil.
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They say if during your day you meet an asshole, hey, you met an asshole, but if all day long all you meet is assholes, you're the asshole. Well, today, I am definitely an asshole.
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Just saw what appeared to be a 25 year old kid sharing a vape with his mom.
I JUST found out Billy Joel fans call themselves "Holy Joelers".
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What does this man have to do to get his name in the headline?
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Nothing tastes as good as pooping it out feels.
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Watching Stranger Things 4 with Heather. I keep saying, "They shouldn't have yelled at Eddie Munson." and she keeps saying, "They actually didn't yell at Eddie Munson!"
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Stranger Things has such made up sounding names, Max Mayfield, Eddie Munson, Finn Wolfhard, Millie Bobbi Brown.
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Stop saying you tricked your wife into marrying you. If you think that's a cool thing to say, we do all agree it's true and it bums us out when you say it.
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Replying to @iamtherog
Yes! I moved to NY in 2011 but came back occasionally and did The Gas!
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They took grammar so seriously at my school bullies would ask if I wanted a "hurts doesn't it."
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