A perfect day as an asylum seeker in England: 7:00 – Wake up in a hotel the council says does not exist 8:30 – Full English. Paid for. Complain about the sausage 10:00 – File a hate-crime report. A neighbour asked where you were from 11:30 – Meeting with the support worker. She apologises on behalf of the country 13:00 – Collect Universal Credit 15:00 – Marry the 7th wife. Registry office very understanding. Interpreter provided. 18:30 – Knife an innocent bystander outside the station. Film it for the group chat. 19:00 – Tell the officer you felt threatened by his tone 19:01 – Released under investigation 23:00 – Beat your cousin (also your wife). Life in England is simply a paradise.

A perfect day as a British citizen living in the UK: 6:15 – Wake up to the bins not taken. Third week. The council tax came on time. 7:00 – Call the DWP. Press 1. Press 2. Press 3. The recording thanks you for your patience. You have been patient since March. 8:10 – Benefits form returned. Wrong box. Start again. The hotel down the road does not have a box. 9:30 – Call GP. Next available appointment: November 2027. 10:00 – A&E. Four hours. A man from the coach goes through first. You have a letter. He has a wristband. 12:00 – Tesco £4.25 meal deal. Someone walks out with a £200 basket. Security watches. Does nothing. 15:00 – Mandatory inclusion module. You work in a warehouse. 15:30 – Email the school about the undisclosed mosque trip. Get called a racist (you asked what time they would be back). 16:40 – Report the break-in from Monday. No visit. The meme you liked in 2019 is still “of interest”. 18:00 – The Prime Minister says the plan is working. You are still looking for the plan. 21:00 – Headline: new safe route. 22:30 – Fall asleep on hold. Nobody picked up. That is the appointment. Life in England is simply a paradise.

I was in the changing room today after tennis. A man I have played with for years pulled Union Jack socks out of his bag and put them on as if they were ordinary cotton. I asked whether he had considered the climate he was creating. He laughed. I immediately called Metropolitan Police to report a hate incident. Within 8 minutes, two police cars, seven officers and a SWAT team were on site to take him away in handcuffs. His club membership has since been revoked. The club feels safer already.

A perfect day as an NHS nurse in England: 6.10 - Park on double yellow. Car park is full of contractors. 7.00 - Compulsory diversity session. Patient with chest pain can wait. The module cannot. 8.15 - Patient goes into cardiac arrest. 9.00 - Cancer patient wait is nine months. She has brought a bag. You have brought a script. 10.30 - Patient arrives in taxi from hotel. Translate history through a phone line. The interpreter is in another city. 12.00 - Tesco meal deal in stairwell 12.30 - Get spat at 13.10 - Trans patient in for a routine review. Goes first. Policy. The septic woman is "stable enough" 14.40 - The septic woman is not stable enough 16:00 – Cancel two operations so the list can absorb last night 18:00 – Agency nurse on twice your rate. She is excellent. She is leaving in October. 20:00 – Manager thanks you for your flexibility. There will be no extra staff. 23:00 – Fall asleep to a politician calling the NHS the envy of the world Life in England is simply a paradise.

A perfect day as a hotel receptionist in England: 6:40 – Unlock the doors 7:15 – Breakfast for 140. Full English. Complaints about the bacon. 8:00 – Training: do not say asylum. Say guests. 9:30 – Local man at the desk. Wants his wedding date back. You give him a leaflet. 11:00 – New arrivals. No ID that matches. Room 214 anyway 12:30 – Eat in the linen cupboard. The restaurant is a canteen now. 14:00 – Police in the lobby. Arrest a local who asked how long this was going on 15:30 – Room 37: door off, fire alarm hanging, mattress in the car park. Log it as wear and tear. 16:00 – TripAdvisor review: “not a hotel.” You are not allowed to reply. 17:45 – Manager: occupancy 98%. Calls it a success. 19:00 – Fight on the second floor. Log it as high spirits 21:30 – Night porter calls in sick. He still lives here. He just will not work here 23:00 – Fall asleep in the back office. The sign on the A-road still says VACANCIES. Life in England is simply a paradise.

A perfect day as a school teacher in England: 7.10 - Unlock the Portakabin. The main block is still temporary 8.00 - Mandatory training course: 'Misgendering children is violence' 9.15 - Excursion to local mosque. 9.30 - Consent form: "optional cultural visit". It is not optional. 10.00 - Year 8 ask why only one trip is sacred. You say 'that’s Islamophobia' 10.30 - Call the boy “she.” The slides were very clear. 12.15 - Boys-girl “fight” in the toilets again. Same names. Do nothing. 13.00 - Eat in the stock cupboard. Staffroom is a meeting about belonging. 13.30 - Assembly: we are so lucky to live in a diverse community 15.00 - Drop Year 9 girl from netball so a boy in a sports bra can play. 15:30 – Father at the gate. “We were not told.” You were. Page four. Small print. 16:15 – Detention. The child who slashed a tyre and doesn’t speak English is 'exploring identity' 17:30 – Parents’ evening. Ten minutes. Eight of them spent translating. 18:00 – Arrive home and watch BBC headline: “schools have never been more inclusive” 22:30 – Fall asleep. Tomorrow you will do it all again, and the children will still not be able to read. Life in England is simply a paradise.

Just came back from this march. Thousands of us. Quiet, dignified, European. No aggression. Afterwards, a fellow demonstrator asked whether I would house refugees in my properties. I explained, patiently, that the regulatory environment makes it extremely complex: Insurance. Existing tenancies. Planning. People who do not own multiple properties rarely understand this distinction. Still, it was a good day. I marched so the state can house them properly. That is what a serious country is for.

Perfect British professional career: 22 – Graduate in Ethnic Minority Studies 23 – Diversity internship at the local labour council 26 – Report a colleague for noticing patterns in grooming cases 27 – Receive commendation for courage 29 – Help block a speaker who wanted to discuss integration failures 31 – Get promoted after attending a mosque open day 34 – Notice the same surnames in every local exploitation report. Say nothing. 38 – Still tell everyone the root cause is the referendum 45 – Win an award for “building bridges” 52 – Promoted for never asking difficult questions 67 – Retire and write letters to the Guardian about how none of this was inevitable There's no better place than Britain to build a progressive career.