Big Bird
by Sheldon Birnie / @badguybirnie
~ 2,300 words
#MythicPicnicTweetStory
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Back when I was a kid, I loved Big Bird. So gentle. So kind. So very big. But now, man, I just don’t know. Lemme explain.
My buddy Bill — you know Bill, from the parks department? — he told me something so fucked the other day.
Bill, he’s divorced since way back. He’s got a little post-war story-n-a-half out by the airport. His son, he’s grown, lives out east selling something or other on Bay Street. Been out there forever, almost never comes home to see his old man. Some falling out or other, around the divorce. Still, Bill keeps his son’s room for him, a bed and whatever anyhow, up where the attic used to be. Calls it a guest room, but Bill don’t take many visitors.
So, the other day there, Bill’s puttering around the house. He’s making a sandwich or something. Taking a shit. I dunno. But then, Bill hears a big thud coming from upstairs. Fuck sakes, he goes, figuring a picture that’s been haphazardly nailed up to the plaster for decades finally come crashing down. He finishes up whatever he’s got going and trudges upstairs, cursing like a roofer under his breath.
What he seen when he come up the stairs nearly knocked him right back down the whole flight and into an early grave. So said Bill, anyhow. Said he walked right up them stairs, stepped onto the landing and looked into the open door of his son’s old room. Sitting right there, middle of the room, was a giant fuckin bird.
Now, Bill’s no birder. Don’t pretend to be, neither. He don’t know what he’s looking at, only that it’s ungodly big. Unnatural. Some sorta dinosaur, like as not. Big as he is, at any rate – and shit, Bill’s a big boy, himself – and it just sitting there, looking stunned on the worn out old carpet. The window’d been open, catching the breeze. Course, the screen now’s fucked all to bits. But even that don’t account for how this thing smashed or squeezed its way in there. It certainly don’t account for the big ass bird itself, period.
What the Christ, Bill goes, or something similar. He can’t help himself. But he don’t wanna scare this bird, see? Big enough could cause some serious damage. More damage, at that. So he just stands there, top of the stairs, kinda flapping his meaty paws at it, going, Shoo. Shoo, bird. Shoo.
Bird, it just rounds its big black eyes on Bill and stares at him awhile. It’s big, black like a giant crow. Or a raven, from that old story or whatever. But not quite, says Bill. Kinda like a king hell buzzard, maybe? Or else a sickly stork, demented beyond all recognition. Anyways, the bird, whatever it is, just gives Bill the hairy eye awhile. Just as Bill’s going into his shoo routine again, the bird creaks open its beak.
I’m sorry to disturb you, the bird says, clear as fuckin day in the King’s own English. But I’ve suffered some misfortune.
That’s putting it lightly, Bill goes. Or says he goes. I can’t really see him being so quick off the draw as that. Who’s to say, though, given the circumstances and all. But anyhow. Who are you, he goes, and what are you doing in my boy’s bedroom?
I’ve suffered a mishap, bird repeats, clearing its throat, shuffling around. Seems like it’s in pain. I’m sure I’m not quite myself right now. Would you help me, stranger? Please?
Now – you know Bill – he’s not one to turn a blind eye to anyone in trouble. Not even a big ol’ talking bird. I might be losing it, he says to himself, but goddamnit, I can lend a hand where one’s needed. He asks the bird, What can I do?
Bird shuffles about, slowly, as though in pain or discomfort. It sighed, or seemed to, resettling itself.
I don’t need much, it said at last. But I need some water.
Sure enough, Bill fetches a pail of water, sets it in front of the bird. Bird nods his giant head, lowers its beak and starts lapping at the water with its grey, slug-like tongue. Bird takes it all in, whole bucket, heaves a big ol’ sigh.
Thank you, bird says, closing its eyes.
I am tired, bird says. I am weary. Can I sleep a while here?
Sure thing, Bill says. Bird sighs, settles in. Bill backs out of the room. But then he has an idea. Goes and fetches some flyers, the Saturday paper. Hey buddy, he says to the bird. Can we get this under you there?
Bird nods, shifts gingerly side to side. Bill gets right in there, covering the ratty old carpet with newsprint. Up close, Bill said, the bird smelled to high heaven. Like wet dirt, rotting meat, old age. The dried out husks of dead bugs that creep about dark, dank places. Whatever. He’s hoping the smell don’t sink its way into the plaster or the flooring. Figures, newspaper or no, that carpet’s a goner.
Now, that big bird stays that way for days. For days, bud. Doesn’t say nothing, doesn’t do nothing, just sleeping, pissing and shitting in a big old pile. Bill, he ain’t too happy about it. But that rug was fit for the pit anyhow. He’s just hoping the bird don’t up and die on him. How the fuck he gonna explain that to animal services, hauling the rotting corpse of some heretofore unknown genus of feathered friend out into the alley dumpster? Wouldn’t want that on his conscience. No sir.
But then, couple days in, Bill hears a croaking a-coming from upstairs. Puts the game on mute. Sure enough, big bird’s a-beckoning. Bill don’t usually move too quick, but he’s up them stairs lickety split.
Water, bird croaks again. So Bill’s back downstairs, filling up the water once, twice, three times for the old bird. He’s sweating, legs a-trembling. But this bird, it’s feeling miles better than when it come crashing in. Thanks Bill up and down. Bill asks if it needs anything else. Offers to change the papers beneath him. Bird takes him up on that – no small task, according to Bill. But he does it. How about some food? Bird asks for rabbit or hare. Bill says, No can do. How about fish? Bird’s amenable. So Bill goes down to the freezer, tosses a couple pounds of pickerel in the sink to thaw.
Gonna be a while, Bill says, standing in the doorway. But we’ll get ya fed. We’ll get ya back on your feet. Or wings. Whatever.
Time I’ve got, bird says. Time enough. Have you?
Bill, he don’t know what to say to that. So he don’t say nothing, just shrugs and sits down on his boy’s old bed next to where the bird is crouched.
Big bird, he starts talking, and he don’t stop for a long time.
I’ve been on a journey, the bird tells Bill, among many other things Bill don’t share with me. I was born on a high mountain, where winds howled without cease. Upon my wings, I have crossed the seas, looked down upon all parts of the earth from high above the clouds. There is nowhere upon the globe where my shadow has not been cast, be it by the sun’s rays direct or reflected off the cold mirror of the moon.
Yet, the other night, I got lost.
Lost? Bill goes. How’s a fella who’s been everywhere get lost?
Bird says he’d grown weary, despondent even, owing to a lifetime of ceaseless circumnavigation. On cruise control, basically, the bird’s brain had begun to wander. Zoned right the fuck out, bud. Something snapped him from his days long daze, a plane, hot air balloon or drone or fuck knows, and he panicked. Crash, boom, bang, he ends up in Bill’s boy’s room, busted up and beat down. Besides all that, the bird’s lonesome something fierce.
Once legion, bird said, my traveling companions are all but gone. Years may pass before I cross any of their paths again. If ever even am I so blessed.
You got a mate? Bill asks, no doubt thinking of his own sorry state.
A mate I had, bird goes. For many years, many years, we flew the skies together. But they, too, are long gone.
Now, Bill don’t say as much. But I know he musta been thinking about whether this bird had any little birds of its own. Offspring, hatchlings, whatever. Wonders whether they flew the nest, whether it ever seen ‘em again. See, Bill misses his son something terrible, even though he won’t put it that way in so many words. Why else would he keep that room ready for the boy, even though the boy ain’t been back out west for years and years. Not even over Christmas. Bill knows you can’t force time to stand still. Knows there’s just no way. But knowing and accepting are two different beasts altogether. So Bill, he don’t ask about offspring. Or if he does, he don’t tell me.
Course, I didn’t really know how to take all this bird talk. But Bill – and you know Bill – ain’t usually one to bullshit, least ways not about something like this. So I just figured either Bill’s gone and lost his marbles for real, or what he’s saying ain’t bullshit at all. Course, now I’m not so sure about anything.
But that don’t mean I wasn’t curious. Hell no. I wanted to see this big ass bird with my own two eyes, ask it questions only it could answer. Do you hold a map of the world in your head? Or do you take directions from the blood pumping through your big bird heart? How clear are the stars, at that height, without the lights of the city smothering ‘em? You ever see a UFO buzzing about up there? How about any other beasts beyond our ken?
How’s it feel to be among the last of your kind?
Bill, though, he wasn’t so forthcoming. Not typically one to extend an invitation, like. So, I found some pretense to pop on by, a couple days back. I’d been there before, to pick up an old mower off him. So, the other day, I just so happened to be in the neighbourhood, if you catch my drift.
Sure enough, Bill let me in. If with some reluctance. We stood in the front hall awhile, shooting the shit. He finally asked me into the front room for a beer, it being early evening and all. He hadn’t said shit about the bird, though. Not wanting to tip my hand, I didn’t ask, either.
Once Bill had drained his tall boy and excused himself to take a leak, I got up quick and made my way to the bottom of the stairs. I looked up, one ear on Bill there in the pisser down the hall, the other aimed up them stairs. But I couldn’t hear nothing coming from upstairs. Not a flutter, nor a shuffle, nor a peep. Quickly, quietly, I climbed the first few steps. Paused, listened, climbed a few more.
While there wasn’t no sound coming from the upper half-floor, there sure was a smell. Hell of a smell. Not unlike how Bill had described it: wet dirt, rotting meat, old age, bugs. But there was something more there. Something bad off. You could taste it, for fuck sakes. Still, I took another step. I could see the door to Bill’s boy’s bedroom, closed. No light shining through the crack along the floor. But I could hear something, now. But it wasn’t no bird chirping. More like the soft static on the TV or the radio. Or the buzzing of a million flies.
Downstairs, the toilet flushed. I was only a couple steps shy of the upstairs, could have made a bolt for it. But the smell, man. It brought me to stop, tears brimming over my eyelids. I couldn’t make myself go no further. It just smelled powerful wrong.
So, I soft footed back to the bottom of the stairs, slid into my boots. Thanked Bill up and down for the drink and apologized again for stopping by unannounced and having to go so soon. No problem, Bill says. Anytime. My coat’s on, I’m half-way out the door. Bill, he goes, Say, don’t you wanna meet the bird?
Course, that’d been the whole purpose of my bullshit stopping by story in the first place. Bill had put that much together. He wasn’t born yesterday, Bill. But I couldn’t do it. I could not do it. I didn’t care to see whatever was behind Bill’s boy’s bedroom door. What was making that soft buzzing sound. What was behind that smell. Didn’t care no more about no big bird, whether it could talk or dance a do-si-do or whether it was even there in the first place. Just wanted to get the smell out of my nostrils, the buzzing outta my ears.
I made my excuses, headed home. It had started snowing when I was in there, jawing with Bill. When I got home I got out the shovel, cleared my driveway and the front walk. Then cleared my next door neighbours. Then I went and did the whole block. When I come in from the cold, sweating, tired as hell, damned if that smell wasn’t still there. Damned if the buzzing didn’t still fill my ears. Damned if it isn’t still there, buddy. Damned if it ain’t.
~ end ~
Bio: Sheldon Birnie is a writer, dad, and beer league hockey player from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, and the author of Where the Pavement Turns to Sand (Malarkey Books, 2023).