football, family, Funyons, in that order RETWEETER

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
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Pretending that lettuce is funny
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If a straight couple uses the term ‘partner’ I automatically assume he’s getting pegged
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They don't make time machines like they're going to anymore.
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my fat uncle got radicalized by doomscrolling google giggles too much
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i don’t Tinkle, i Piss. Hard.
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The tarot cards showed me choking on a gobbler in the wawa parking lot
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I took 4 years of Spanish and this Subway sandwich "artist" is tryin to tell me that 'cinco de mayo' does not mean 'five times the mayo.'
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Going to see a movie at the CityWalk AMC
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Sorry man I don’t think i can make it tonight, I can’t fast travel when enemies are nearby
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I think my dentist has a tooth fetish. That’s all he talks about.
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somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me, and he was right, and he's dead now
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type delete and chill
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jelq chicken
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I don’t believe in the moon landing I’m pretty sure it’s still up there
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Mitch Hedberg would have had the greatest Twitter account of all time.
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First base coach talking to a runner: "Ok so stay here until you can go to the next one. If you get to that one try to get to the third one. A colleague of mine is waiting there for you"
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You can see the fear of impending doom on his face.
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Mr. Beast’s newest challenge is he will pay $500,000 to any person that can eat British food every meal for 10 straight days.
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The only roids I’m on are hemorrhoids
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stimming all by yourself beautiful?
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