Special Education: Getting up to SPed. The Whole thing. This covers the majority of the make up of your reality. It flies firmly in the face of everything you ever learned in school, but Academia's notion of the Universe doesn't even have a basic understanding of God and Spirit

My heart grieves someone my mind knows is still alive, but my heart believes is dead. I'm mourning the loss of a friend in my heart. My mind could not comprehend. I did not understand the state I am in from the perspective of my mind trying to make sense of it. It could not make sense of this feeling of being in sorrow, of being in mourning. I could not make sense of it from a rational mindful perspective. Yet, I could feel the sadness in me, and all around me. It was there. It isn't the breakup that is making me sad. My mind can't find a reason to feel this way. I sat quietly, felt the grief inside, and I cried. I cried like I was mourning the death of a friend, because in my heart, that is what was happening. My heart is doing what it needs to do to move on without holding on. To move forward without looking back. To not need explanations or closure or the hopes of what if. It is doing what it does best. Making room for new connections on the future by shedding ties to the past. It is doing what it must do to ready itself for the exciting and new, the possibility of new possibilities, and the prospects of what can be by saying goodbye to what couldn't be in healthy manner. There are no specific memories it is latching on to. There are no bad times it is trying to purge. It is simply saying goodbye to a friend that it understands will no longer be that same friend in the same form again. It is for the best that I honestly examine what it is I am feeling even if my mind knows that that person is still alive. Regardless, my heart says the past is dead, and to let go without it being anything other than its way to process the end. It is not holding on, it is letting go. It is not depressed, it is readying itself. It is not angry, it is realistic. It is not afraid, it is excited. Excited for what? Who knows! But it can't make the best of whatever is to come if it is still hanging on and attached to what was. What was, has been. What hasn't been, will be. What that is, I don't know, but it deserves the proper beginning after a proper ending.

I'm tired of trying to overcome. Now it's time to move on.

You can tell them by a mile away once you know their type. The hurt and unhealed type. That is why it is important to be attached to yourself, and love yourself, and know yourself. When that hurt rears it's ugly head looking to throw daggers at you, they will hit but not stick, and you can let them go without letting get what you love best, which should be you. I feel sad and sorry for such souls, because they are so hurt on the inside, but hide it to the point that they don't even know that is what it is. An unhealed wound that won't allow them to grow. And when they stop growing, they start looking to stunt other people's growth. That is when it is time to move on with your life. You literally are moving far beyond their ability to continue to grow, and there comes a time when you must leave them behind if they refuse to heal them old wounds.

Feed your soul not your ego.

I just can't believe someone tried to humble me who I had to become the worst version of myself that I ever was to be a match to them, and their energy. Like, I had to become like them to understand them, and I'm like... Nawwww. Anyway, it's so odd. I was at a an extremely low point when they went about acting the way they did, almost as if to take free cheap shots and really try to super humble me, and really dig in. And I was like, "Charming", but I got real problems to worry about, not someone trying to punch down who still was punching way way up, and yet missing with every swing. Like, damn, almost magically my problem got solved in the middle of the week by a single phone call from a guy I never met who got my number from.... you wouldn't believe this shit... My ex wife because she could see I was going through some shit. I went for a hike one day to the next town over where she sells her honey at a local farmers market, and when we we were talking, she said "hold on, there are these really cool people that might be able to give you some random hours, and you will make good money." She told me to watch her stand, and she walked clean across the market to their pop up shop, and randomly gave the wife my number to give to her husband if he needed any help. He called me Wednesday, and was like, "I could use you 5 days a week, I tip out every shift, and sometimes they are 13 hour shifts." That was a blessing in disguise that I never saw coming and forgot all about. The crazy part is, that when she saw me going through some shit, she put all the things to the side from all the years we have argued and fought, and the shit we have talked, and didn't come at me swinging trying to add insult to injury. She saw me, saw me In the moment, saw I was at a very low point, and stepped in to be there for me, when she saw I could actually use a friend, and not another person posing as a friend who wants to take shots at me because it was a perfectly good time to think they could, for once, do some actual damage to my psych and confidence (because it's almost completely impossible even when I am going through, feeling like, looking like shit). One single friend. In a moment. When I needed someone in my life to work with me, and not actively against me. Now, on the other hand, my actual so called girlfriend, took every shot, called me every name, acted with disdain at every opportunity. Which seemed to be everyday, but that's what you get when you're in close proximity to someone who would rather put you down, then lift you up, because their entire life is one big humbling, they need to feel like they are on top for once. I laugh now, because my ex wife said at the time, after I left the market to finish my hike, "Maybe you shouldn't be with that person. They are rubbing off on you. You don't seem like your normal self. Like you lost a lot of your confidence." I did. Or seemingly appeared to do so. I had to humble myself so I can match the energy of someone who clearly needs to feel like they need to humble someone else. Baby, being with you was a generally humbling experience. And I'm a grateful for that.

Vowed* never to do that shit again. No matter* how bad it gets. Even I'm impressed by the way these girls and woman approach me, and I respond with can't be doing that. The simple fact is, there is no value in it.