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‘Invest In My Blood Idea Before I Jab You’: An Oral History Of Theranos clickhole.com/2020/05/28/inv…

Love seafood but hate its short shelf life? One company is boldly addressing fish sticks’ disposability problem with a game-changing innovation: Gorton’s Seafood is now selling a $500 fish stick as a “buy-it-for-life fish stick built to last.” Incredible. If you know you’ll be eating fish sticks in the long-term, this is a pretty sensible investment! This week, Gorton’s Seafood dropped the ‘Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish Stick,’ the most durable, long-lasting fish stick the seafood industry has ever seen. According to Gorton’s, each fish stick is “100% Made In America, hand-crafted by world-class fish stick artisans using stress-tested wild Alaskan pollock fillets with a weather-proof, high-grade breadcrumb coating.” With a price tag of $500 and packaged in a fish stick-sized 2″ x 5″ full-grain leather case featuring the company’s name in raised, gold leaf lettering, Gorton’s ‘buy-it-for-life’ fish stick is marketed towards serious seafood enthusiasts who understand how costly and wasteful it is to buy brand new fish sticks week in and week out. “Historically, our company has catered to casual fish stick consumers, but we recognize the economic challenges facing people who eat a lot of fish sticks, and designed a buy-it-for-life fish stick to offer maximum value for serious fish stick eaters,” wrote Gorton’s Seafood CEO Kurt Hogan in a statement accompanying the Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish stick’s release. “Anyone who eats fish sticks on a regular basis knows how expensive it is to buy fish sticks over and over again in the long haul. Now, your next fish stick purchase can be the last one you’ll ever need to make.” Gorton’s is operating on a whole other level. This is a big bet on the die-hard fish stick demographic! Would you shell out for a fish stick you can pass down to your kids in the future as long as you take good care of it? Let us know in the comments!

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Would you do it? #shyness #obedience #shortness #pill

In light of their failure to appropriately respond to the severity of a 2024 sexual assault case, Cornell University has finally taken action and officially paused its Rape and Assault undergraduate major program. It’s about time! Though the Rape and Assault undergraduate program has been a historic part of Cornell’s 161-year tenure, this pause will allow administrators to examine whether or not the program, which includes courses such as Introduction to Molesting and Roofies 301, played a significant role in the 2024 gang rape of a student. Students who have already declared their major in the department will be able to complete their bachelor degrees, but new students will not be permitted to enroll in the major at this time. Said the University in a statement, “It has come to our attention that undergraduate students in our Rape and Assault program may have used what they learned to commit rape and/or assault. This was never our intent, as seminars like ‘How Much K Is Needed To Make Sure She Forgets Everything?’ and visiting professorships by Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby, were only ever meant to provide students with a well-rounded education. As we assess the situation, prospective Rape and Assault majors should consult with their advisors regarding Cornell’s other exciting academic offerings, such as Hotel Management and Beekeeping.” For some this might be considered too little too late, but props to Cornell University for trying to make things right.

Twenty-seven year old nurse Ashley Morrison has never had kids before. But now she’s pregnant with her first baby, and she’s already thinking about all of the ways she’s going to break the cycle of unhealthy parenting that has passed trauma onto her bloodline for generations. LOL! Good fucking luck with that one! During her weekly therapy Zooms, Ashley recounts damaging events she experienced growing up and says things like, “When I’m a mom, I’m never going to do anything like that.” Oh, SUUUUUUURE you aren’t, Ashley. As if Ashley’s ability to make emotionally mature, thoughtful parenting decisions and foster a healthy environment for her kids wasn’t completely demolished by her own toxic upbringing. She may try to break free of the hurtful parenting style she vividly remembers all too well, but when it’s 2 a.m. and her kid just threw up all over the couch, that muscle memory’s going to kick in and her own mother’s ghost is going to possess her body like a demonic entity. She can steer clear of alcohol and read books all she wants, but toxic parenting is her destiny. A birthright her own children will some day pass on to theirs. Ashley is doomed to not only repeat the sins of her parents, but to be fully aware of what she’s doing while she does it. Unlike her own parents, whose low emotional IQs and alcohol abuse kept them blissfully unaware of the psychological damage they were inflicting, Ashley will know exactly what’s going on but be unable to stop herself thanks to years of behavioral imprinting. Sorry, Ashley, but your promise to yourself to never treat your own children the way your parents treated you has already been broken by simple human psychology and your own DNA. There’s a reason it’s called a cycle: It just keeps going forever. But seriously…Good fucking luck.

Wikipedia can be a great resource if you need to learn about, say, the Tuvaluan language or Freemasonry, but this is going to insult your intelligence so much that you might just go back to using regular encyclopedias: Clearly, Wikipedia thinks we’re all stupid as hell, because they have a page for ‘Dog.’ “Uhhhh durrrr, what is dog?”—us, according to Wikipedia, apparently. Hidden in plain sight amid all sorts of useful information that non-idiots might actually need to look up is a little Wikipedia Easter egg that basically says, “We have zero respect for our readers and we think they’re all morons”: A lengthy page describing in detail what a dog—an animal that literally everyone knows about—is. And if that isn’t enough of an affront, the page also contains multiple pictures of dogs in case some slack-jawed, drooling Wikipedia user might still be confused as to which animal was being described in the first sentence of the entry, which reads, “The dog is a domesticated descendant of the wolf.” Ohhhhhhh! Those things?! Thanks, Wikipedia! Wikipedia’s “Dog” page includes such facts intended for idiots as, “A dog’s senses include vision, hearing, smell, taste, touch,” and, “There are many different shapes for dog tails.” Even worse, the first word defined under the “Terminology” section is “Dog,” because apparently Wikipedia thinks that even after looking directly at a photo of a golden retriever, we might need another reminder of what that term signifies. Unbelievable. What a rude way to treat your loyal users, Wikipedia. Having a page for “Dog” is a slap in the face to the brilliant, curious minds who use Wikipedia every day to learn about fungus or get up to speed on international politics or whatever. We seriously hope no one has ever actually visited this page and given Wikipedia the satisfaction of knowing that there are actually people out there who are as stupid as they think we are. It’s time to flag this one for deletion for implying anyone would be that goddamned dumb.

Olivia Rodrigo said WHAT?!

Earlier this summer, the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. As a result, abortions are banned or restricted in many states. But many lives have been touched by abortion, including my own. This is my story. 35 years ago to the day, I was summoned to the creek by the light of the full moon. As I undressed an owl cried into the night. I recognized the owl’s call as a warning, yet I ignored it. I pursued the creek, submerging first my feet, then my head, then my bagine. That’s when it happened. I looked down into the water and saw a stream of minnows swim past me. But one did not swim past me, no. It swam inside me. It swam inside my bagine. Immediately, I knew I was pregnant. My bagine was heavy with life. Barefoot and naked, I ran home to my husbands The Coen Brothers. By the time I got to my door, I was already showing the symptoms of pregnancy—I was 300 pounds round and missing all of my hair. My husbands took one look at me and began to cry. They knew I was full with a foetus. They knew my bagine was heavy with life. “Forgive me,” I said, “For a minnow has made a cuckold of you.” My husbands said they could not forgive me, but would stay with me anyway. That night, they drove me to the abortion clinic. An ultrasound of my bagine confirmed what my female intuitions had told me—that I was indeed impregnated by the minnow. Watching the foetus dip and dive around my bagine on the monitor, waving its fin “bonjour,” I knew what I had to do. Perhaps you would have made a different choice, but that’s precisely the point, isn’t it? The decision must be a choice. My procedure was swift and safe. To abort the foetus, the doctor laid a trail of mosquitos and algae leading from my bagine to a trashcan. As I watched the foetus crawl out of my bagine and into the trashcan, I felt a sense of calm. Within minutes, I returned to my normal weight and grew back all of my hair. Once more, my bagine belonged only to me. My abortion gave me the freedom to live a life not beholden to the creek. Without my abortion, there would have been no Fargo, no Burn After Reading, and certainly no Three Billboards, as its entire plot is based on the story of my abortion, only you may not guess that due to it being a metaphor. One in three women will have an abortion in their lifetime. Now you know that I am one of them.

Well, it looks like the day the robots gain sentience is coming sooner than once believed, because one of the most advanced AI models just solved yet another equation that’s long confounded our best thinkers: OpenAI just solved a Fuck, Marry, Kill that was believed to be impossible. Wow. For millennia, our top minds have tried to solve the following problem: Given three options—fuck, marry, or kill—which one should be assigned to each of the members of the group comprising Bill Cosby, Baby Hitler, and Scrappy Doo? And for just as long, those top minds have been totally stumped. Initially, the problem was deemed unsolvable due to the question of whether “Baby Hitler” could even be included as an option, or if it would have to be Adolf Hitler instead. Eventually, though, scholars realized that their focus on that element was really their refusal to deeply engage with the question as stated. Once this debate subsided and the consensus arrived that Baby Hitler was to remain included, many believed he was the immediate kill, leaving Bill Cosby for marriage and Scrappy Doo for fucking. However, this was never verified as a viable solution, because it’s wrong to fuck a minor or an animal, and Scrappy Doo is both five years old and a dog. Though some argued that because Scrappy Doo is 46 in dog years, he doesn’t actually count as a minor, records show these discussions became tedious and more focused on age-of-consent laws than about who one might actually enjoy fucking, marrying, or killing, leaving many scholars to prefer working through hard-but-solvable MFKs, such as that of Lindsay Lohan, Barbara Streisand, and the Green M&M. But everything changed in 2014. A birthday tweet posted by Hanna-Barbera Productions announced that Scrappy Doo had officially turned 18, thereby reestablishing their famous character as a legal adult. But just as fucking Scrappy Doo, marrying Bill Cosby, and killing Baby Hitler finally seemed like the official answer, sadly, news broke that Bill Cosby was not actually a beloved American entertainer who seems like a great husband, but a serial rapist who would spend the rest of his life in jail. So then, with two kill options and only one viable fuck or marry option, the game reached a stalemate, where it’s remained for the last decade. But everything changed again this week, when the problem was solved in mere seconds by OpenAI’s newest model. When prompted, the system chose the following: fuck Bill Cosby, marry Scrappy Doo, and kill Baby Hitler. Initially, the researchers were skeptical. Fucking a serial rapist? No one wants to do that. But then, the AI system explained that by killing Baby Hitler, we enter an alternate reality in which Bill Cosby does not go on to rape dozens of women, but instead just gropes one or two, which definitely isn’t good, and ideally you never fuck someone who’s done that, but ultimately it’s better to fuck that someone than a baby, and although Scrappy Doo is a bit of a hothead, he will make an okay husband. Mic = drop. AI really managed to solve it, just like that?! If you think AI is just a bubble, think again, because this just goes to show how powerful these machines really are!

Jennifer Aniston said WHAT?!

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Pathetic!

Willem Dafoe said WHAT?!

"OK. Breathe. Just breathe, Leo. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Guys, this is fucking insane. You are never going to believe this. Fuck. OK, so I was just at my lawyer’s office in Topanga and I went to the bathroom. Mostly a number one. Anyway, so…while I’m in there I accidentally drop my wallet into the trash, so I reach in to get it out and start rifling around in there, and my hand feels something soft, warm, and unmistakably sexy down at the bottom of the trash bin. So I bring it up to the top thinking OK, this is going to be a human knee or something, there’s no way it’s going to be a human breast. Maybe just a big wad. But then I saw it. A complete human breast, in nearly PERFECT condition! Guys, I was so motherfucking excited that I left my lawyer’s without my wallet or my keys or even meeting with him. I was just like, “Seeya, Keith!” I got into my car and the alarm started going off and I was honking and waving at everyone I saw, yelling, “Leo found a breast! A human breast for Leo! Arnie Grape himself has found the ultimate treasure!” The whole goddamned world seemed to be SO happy for me, everyone was honking back and waving and doing a “breast cupping” gesture at me and everything was right in Topanga. My heart is still shaking. I called up Jimmy Kimmel and I SCREECHED into my telephone, “Jimmy, can I bring my breast on your show tonight?! It’s human!!!!!” I guess I was so excited that I forgot to get him caught up on the entire story, but it didn’t matter. He invited me onto the show anyway and I got to show his audience the human breast that I found and they all applauded and yelled out their suggestions for how to preserve it and keep it fresh and no one tried to take my human breast away from me and everyone respected me for what I had achieved. And Brad Pitt was on the show too and he said it was really cool that I found the breast like that and he asked if he could hold it and it was just a really cool experience. It was the best night of my life and this is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone. I’m on my way to Whole Foods now to get a jar and some vinegar so I can carefully preserve my human breast and I’ll probably have some vinegar left over which will definitely come in handy for cleaning and recipes, a really nice thing to have around the house so that’s just another really great thing that happened recently. But the main thing is the human breast that I found in the trash, NO bites on it at all, NO odor, ONE nipple…there are some paper towels stuck to it but in my opinion that just helps tell the story of how I found this human breast and the backstory of where it came from. I still can’t believe it. I don’t think I’ll ever come down off this high."

✋ Anyone else?

As Americans, we have a right to know when we live near a registered sex offender, but one fast casual restaurant correctly realized that’s not enough. That’s why this new Chipotle app safety feature alerts customers when their quesadilla was prepared by a registered sex offender. To quote Lizzo… it’s about damn time! From now on, when a registered sex offender makes your quesadilla, you’ll receive a notification that says: “The Chipotle Crew Member currently preparing your quesadilla is on the sex offender registry.” Users will then be given the following choices: “Ignore,” “Throw out my quesadilla,” or “Donate my quesadilla to the poor.” Although there’s no way to know whether the employee is on the registry for something benign like peeing in a public park or something super fucked up, Chipotle’s transparency allows customers to decide for themselves what level of risk they’re comfortable with when it comes to sex offenders touching their tortilla. While the feature has yet to be built out for other menu items, a company spokesperson promises that they are actively working to address that. Thanks to technological advancements, they feel confident this feature will exist for burritos and taco bowls by the end of 2028. So epic! Your move, Qdoba!

Anthony Fauci said WHAT?!

Marketing Misfire: Hostess Has Apologized For Insisting Twinkies Can Work As A Tampon Substitute For Women In A Pinch clickhole.com/2024/12/04/mar…

Grand Theft Auto versions I through V have reliably sparked controversy over the years with boundary-pushing gameplay options that allow players to drive drunk, solicit sex workers, engage in gang warfare, and even torture other characters. But has the latest edition finally gone too far? Rockstar Games just confirmed that GTA VI will allow players to plagiarize portions of their characters’ marine ecology dissertations. Sure, it’s just pretend, but is this really the kind of thing we want to normalize? According to head of development Rob Nelson, GTA VI protagonists Jason and Lucia can spend time on a mission called Academic Fraud, which involves working on a partially plagiarized dissertation for a PhD in Marine Biology and Ecology at the University of Leonida – Vice City. The paper, which Jason and Lucia must present to a thesis committee before being awarded degrees and becoming eligible to work as professors, can contain up to six sections ripped straight from the work of other marine ecologists—wholesale reproductions of paragraphs from other papers that may or may not be relevant to Jason and Lucia’s conclusion about climate change’s effects on Atlantic seagrass density. Parents and other concerned citizens have bristled against the mission’s content, which involves betraying a group of hardworking academics, jeopardizing future students’ education quality, and introducing bad data into the scientific record that could have deleterious effects on human treatment of marine ecosystems. Nelson says that upon successful completion of the mission, the characters will receive their first $1800 paycheck for adjunct professor work—though if they fail, their Reputation Points will take a hit and they will be removed from U of Leonida premises at gunpoint by the University’s dean. What do you think? Has GTA finally gone too far, or is this just the kind of thrilling gameplay you’ve been looking for? Sound off in the comments below!