Pinned Tweet
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
52
8,931
63,439
setting up one of those change my mind stands and then immediately changing my mind and agreeing with everyone that comes to argue with me
2
9
144
4,309
cory retweeted
random guy: it’s not a big deal man i just don’t think it matters
me pulling out a gun: the 2 main characters in a show called veggie tales are fruits and that doesn’t matter to u? [waving gun around] it’s not a big deal ?
170
7,918
84,673
sorry guys i cant make it to our 10 year highschool reunion im actually still only 23 years old 👍 sucks that yall are all getting super old tho sorry to hear that
6
103
3,468
me: i’ll have a cheeseburger and that’s it
five guys employee: ok what else
me: [nervous, sweating] i said that’s it
employee: order them
me: n-no
employee: [out loud while typing in my order] cheeseburger and 1 million fries. coming right up
17
216
5,466
181,235
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: no
cop: guess haha 😛
me: what
cop: i feel like you don’t like me 🙁
17
2,668
36,739
316,803
me: stop
guy who’s hobby is spelunking: [trying to get under my couch] i think i can fit
34
502
10,663
cory retweeted
wife: please just don’t say anything stupid
me: ok
[later at dinner with her coworkers]
me after a lull in the conversation: roosters lowkey be waking up early as hell lol
them: what
me: i said roosters be waking up early
64
2,898
59,032
927,948
my date: i love finding nemo, have you seen it
me who hasn’t seen the movie but saw a clip of the part where the guys take nemo into the boat: yeah my favorite part is when they eat him
2
57
2,867
[talking to my highschool quarterbacks 5 month old son] that guy used to throw the fucking football to me you don’t fucking get it bro
1
40
3,880
i swear to god if i see one more incel post about how women hate men or another post about how shitty men are i’m going to lose my mind. do you people not know anyone that is nice. are you all insane. why is my tl full of this bullshit
3
32
1,478
it’s spelled “don’t”.. there’s an apostrophe. ever heard of a frickin book? it’s called working out youre are brain. maybe you should try it dumbass
2
25
2,840
i just found out if you bring a gun into mcdonald’s they will make you pretty much anything
6
20
352
29,635
cory retweeted
Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink
Bartender: try this, its lemonade and iced tea
Palmer: Mm..its good..I just invented it
19
1,187
12,850
491,822