For some reason the day of remembrance is hitting harder this year than most. I have a love/hate relationship with the way our country revels in the tragedy, but I also see it as a national catharsis. One of the few moments where it's ok to let your guard down and just be human.
Maybe it's that this year, I'm more aware that what makes us human is less our intellect or our ability to communicate as a species, but instead something deeper and more visceral that connects us in the shared, ultimately tragic but beautiful experience of being briefly alive.
I remember as a child that every so often my mom would talk about her memory of the day JFK was killed. Now my children receive the same experience about 9/11. I still have the newspapers I bought that next day. It's surreal to have experienced something so palpably that they have no sense of.
And sometimes reading the stories year after year of the people who perished, of the first responders, or those who miraculously made it out alive before the towers fell can feel gross, like wearing their grief and emotion as a way to briefly feel something bigger than ourselves.
My town is hosting a 9/11 kickball tournament in remembrance. Isn't that weird? But maybe it's ok that it's weird, because it's how these folks in rural Utah, most of whom have never even been to New York City, share in the collective experience. And if the loss of life gave us a day where all the petty bullshit we surround ourselves with disappears and we just play kickball together in the park - maybe that's a good thing.
And it's strange to be a Millennial around 40, having experienced the before time and the after time. You couldn't call anyone that morning. We had just moved to Denver from New York and we couldn't get ahold of our family who worked near the towers because the cell networks weren't developed enough. And we just accepted what happened at airports in the months that followed, and watching operation Shock and Awe like it was a movie on CNN.
An ex-boyfriend was in the Grand Canyon on a river trip that day. He told me how strange it was when they suddenly realized there were no planes in the sky, which is the only clue that they had that something was wrong. But that night, camping at upper ledges, and NPS helicopter came down into the canyon and landed just downstream of them. Someone on the trip in front of them had lost a brother in the towers, and that is how they found out.
And then the following April, I was in New York visiting my aunt when her next door neighbors learned about the fate of their son. He was found in a part of the rubble that would suggest he had jumped. But then they learned that actually he had been one of the people who had helped other escaped. He was killed when the second tower fell in a part of the building where he didn't work, because he used his final moments of life to help others.
We all have these fragments of stories, but we don't know what to do with them. But we share them, and stitch them together. I think about how communities used to have gatherings where they would bring their scraps together and sew a quilt out of them.
And I just have this memory sealed in my head. I was in first period theater, and my friend Vanessa had heard a cessna had hit one of the towers, so after improv Mr Kron turned on the news on a wheel-in TV, and just as he turned it on the south tower fell and I collapsed to my knees spontaneously as I thought of all the people I knew who might be there, and all the people they knew and worked with. And I asked to be excused and went upstairs to get my brother so I could drive him home.
And in his classroom all of the kids were talking and playing with no clue as to any of it. But his teacher sat at her desk listening to the radio and crying.