I’ve been trying to think how to keep up with keeping so many different people up to speed as I know they want me to, even those who are fed up with being reminded of it.
Well, I was saving one special one for when I felt I could think clearly enough to do it justice. They will know who they are, I’m going to share it with everyone because it applies to so many at one level or another.
So here:
I’ve been so busy today, without moving from this chair, just dealing with everything to do with keeping a body alive on an average day….plus conversations like these. Most are quick and simple to respond to with an emoji/comment or two. This isn’t that and needs more. I don’t know what.
That was such a special letter.
My sister. ♥️
This Huckleberry Finn period watching all the dress rehearsals of my funeral, the opportunities we’ve all had to share thoughts and feelings. It’s felt precious, special, generous. At the same time, tortuous. Whilst you were fighting the same demons hoping to live, here I am knowing I don’t have long, there is no alternative outcome, I’d just like it to pass unremarkably and with as little pain as possible.
Simon has given me one of those huge motorised chairs that moves every way, he and James set it up in the conservatory yesterday, I sat in it for the first time at 9am after a delicious and so rare sleep (following Escape from Alcatraz) from 23:50 - 07:40 hrs 🤗😎👏🥳🥂
The next thing I knew, it was 15:20 hours. Oh my god, did I need that. Both of them. I have my drain, it’s crude but the 300 ml of gunk it lugs around is better out than in.
If only I could breathe freely enough not to fear a walk to the toilet.
Bedtime soon. James and tonight’s carer have set the bed up for me, bugger, I wonder if they closed the curtains…..I can’t walk that far. Did they close the window? I can’t keep repeating instructions to everyone because I can’t talk enough for lack of breath. That young US surgeon who wrote a book on his own year of lung cancer, Kalaninski, When Breath Becomes Air. That’s what he was referring to.
Thank you for such beautiful messages. Thank you for being my Sister. I’m so sorry to have put everyone through all this. It’s bad enough suffering it oneself. I’m not brave, this is like an appointment you’d rather not keep, but you made a promise. ♥️
Thanks also to my brothers. ♥️