My knob is the same size as a Greggs sausage roll. I'm no longer allowed in Greggs.

The vet told us that James needs to lose a bit of weight. We have to stop giving him treats. I've been feeling sorry for him & giving him treats in secret. Found out my wife has too. So James has been getting more treats than ever before
872
16,428
128,318
Ha ha ha
6
32
6,584
Had a board meeting at work, we talked about profit shares and dividend payments to us as directors/shareholders. Felt like a proper adult. Then I ruined it by putting a load of biscuits in my mouth and pretended to be the cookie monster 馃崻
1
20
615
It'll have to be something that I think is awful, but that other people think is amazing
can you name a drink that tastes awful but somehow people still act like it鈥檚 amazing?
3
488
"TURNS OUT IT WAS A DENIM JACKET AND NOT JEANS, ANYWAY, I'VE SHIT MYSELF AGAIN"
馃毃NEW: Photo shows Donald Trump disembarking from Marine One last night. He appears to be shouting at something to the pilot! REUTERS/Kylie Cooper
1
5
595
Someone wants a biscuit
7
32
609
Pretending not to be interested
1
85
At the moment, flies in my garden. Little fuckers
What do you own an absurd number of?
1
7
590
Toe beans!
2
44
758
You only get a bucket and half.
Anyone who grew up before smartphones - what did you do when you were bored?
1
466
Sunday evening stroll
5
41
819
Anywhere I wanted, I'm fabulously wealthy, bought some new socks yesterday. Didn't even check if they fit first.
With your current bank balance , Where can u travel?????
4
20
994
My visit to home bargains today was a success. 30 years ago I'd be on ecstasy with my mates, now I'm keeping the dog in the study because I'm mopping the floor with some new zoflara
9
1
69
2,960
Best cup ever
5
4
74
2,247
Lenny got me!
1
40
529
Haven't seen this ad in ages, now I see it all the time again. Still don't understand it. Obvs not clicking on it
1
3
421
Enjoyed my business meeting with solicitors and stuff today. There was 4 of us. 3 people talked lots and one person said very little and ate loads of meat. They also paid for me eating lots of meat.
3
20
1,252
He's just envious that this isn't AI slop
King Charles warns of 'existential danger' of AI falling into wrong hands bbc.in/4yF6cBb
1
5
565
Tried to get Lenny to watch sealook. His attention span isn't the greatest
7
2
43
1,515
Legally I don't think he's allowed to sing "I'm a man without conviction" anymore
1
20
769
Did I just laugh at a man who dropped a load of documents outside & then he reacted like a child chasing a balloon on a windy day? Of course I did
1
21
526