Read my novel DEAD WRITERS IN REHAB : amazon.co.uk/Dead-Writers-Re…
Beside the sea
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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It’s Pavlov’s birthday. Pavlov was famous for making his wife, the ballerina Pavlova, salivate and ring a bell whenever he fed his dog a meringue-based pudding.
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The two giant pandas that Xi Jinping gifted to America are a male and a female, but will they mate? They'll only have sex if conditions are favourable, and it might take several attempts. The trickiest part is arranging for them to go out to dinner and a movie each time.
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I don’t know who’s idea it was, but I’m very much in favour of the new legislation that requires racist thugs to assemble outside a local police station every evening so the cops can keep an eye on them and the rest of us know where they are. Very useful.
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It’s not that Kemi Badenoch isn’t reading the room, it’s that the room she’s reading is the dining hall in the workhouse from Oliver Twist, while she and her friends sit in armchairs around a fire, delivering morally improving lectures to the paupers.
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My train is travelling through a strange parallel universe: an alternative historical timeline in which certain technologies haven’t been invented. It’s the only explanation for the cacophony from the phones of those who have clearly never encountered FUCKING EARPHONES.
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Dear fellow pedants, it’s National Punctuation Day and I’m not going to make it. Leave me here with some apostrophes, Oxford commas, and a loaded semicolon; I’ll try to hold them off - save yourselves: run!
#NationalPunctuationDay
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Exclusive picture of Wes Streeting with United Kingdom Space Command mission to "defend Britain in space."
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Very pleased to be on this prestigious longlist. Many congratulations to my fellow authors.
Longlist pt1
Miscellaneous Papers: Aeman Abbasi
Shepherd's Sister: Valerie Bowes
Letters to Mam: Cheryl Burman
Maleficium: Miranda Croft
The Ship's Boy: Rose M Cullen
This Great Work: Paul Bassett Davies
Witness: John Eden
The Secret Lives of Voices: Esther Freeman
#HWADDSS26 2/6
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Many people have legitimate concerns about things. The moment you choose to express them by joining a mob of vigilantes and committing crimes, there's no longer anything legitimate about you, your concerns, or the unprincipled grifters cynically exploiting them.
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That horrible sinking feeling you get when someone announces: "The children have written a little play for us, and now they’d like to perform it, so can everyone come into the living room please," is exactly what you get when you know Donald Trump is about to address the UN.
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Breaking: Ed Davey brings the Lib Dem conference to its feet by announcing that it’s time for tea.
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Britain is in no position to stand up to Saudi Arabia. We've sold them so many weapons they're now better armed than we are.
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It's difficult to get excited about the Lib Dems having a conference while there is still paint in the world, and the chance to watch it dry.
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In an amazing scientific breakthrough experts have detected small traces of a spine in the White House Press Pool, an organism previously thought totally invertebrate. The vestigial spine was discovered when reporters stood up to a preposterous orange bully.
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Keep politics out of music, like in the old days when Tchaikovsky wrote the 1812 Overture about how mild the weather was that year, or Beethoven composed his “Emperor” concerto to honour his new kitten, and Dylan sang A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall, all about splashing in puddles.
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Let’s just be grateful that Paddington Bear isn’t alive to witness the bitter conflict tearing the royal family apart.
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Trump is a genius negotiator and he’s forced Denmark into a deal that puts him exactly where they want him.
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Sir James Ratcliffe has as much right to tell us what's wrong with modern Britain as any other elderly white reactionary billionaire parasite who lives in Monaco.
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Sure, talk like a pirate. But remember to listen like a pirate, too. Pirates have emotional needs. For every Jolly Roger aloft, there's a gloomy Roger below decks, worrying about his parrot and hoping his ex will let him see the kids on his next shore leave.
#TalkLikeAPirateDay
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