🏈 👑 King of the South. Soldier. Captain. Pigskin Slinger. Parody Account. #NotTheRealDeal
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Colonel Joseph,
Come here, old friend. 🫂 A defeat such as this wounds the spirit. I embrace you in your darkest hour.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…
Wanna get your asses kicked next week?
Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑
Father-
We were defeated in what I reckon will not be remembered as our finest three hours. We committed no small number of blunders and received a proper drubbing in a manner we had not anticipated. We shall endeavor to keep our dignity, if possible. A long week is ahead.
-Joe
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People of Cowford,
Victory.
We defeated the Patriots and survived the dark magic of the ancient Brady 28-3 curse.
Most importantly, all wives have been accounted for. General Vrabel leaves Cowford empty-handed.
The Bank stands.
Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑
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People of Cowford,
The Patriots have landed upon our soil, led by General Vrabel.
Men, secure your wives. The General is loose at the Bank.
Their northern rebellion ends here.
Sharpen the claws. Sound the DUUUVAL.
Today, we fight.
Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑
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People of Cowford,
I failed you today.
The battle was ours to take, but my interception turned the tide. No excuses. The blame belongs to your Captain.
We return home wounded, not conquered.
I will answer for this.
Capt. Lawrence, King of the South
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People of Cowford,
We have crossed the plains and climbed into the mountains of Denver.
Capt. Nix awaits us, with General Peyton plotting from the rear.
They say the air is thin here.
By sundown, so shall be their hopes.
Cowford marches.
Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑
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People of Cowford,
The Brown Army came south seeking victory
Instead, they discovered why their helmets have no logo, their own uniforms want no association with them.
Send them back to Cleveland.
Cowford stands victorious. DUUUVVALLL
Capt. Lawrence, King of the South
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People of Cowford,
Scouts report the Brown Army of Cleveland approaches.
They arrive from a land where hope goes to die and captains go to disappear.
We shall meet them at the Bank.
Prepare the city. Sound the DUUUVAL.
Today we fight!
Capt. Lawrence, King of the South
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People of Cowford, cease these wild rumors of my beautiful hair having been shorn. No such calamity hath occurred. I remain at rest, tending the flock. As no battles presently call my name, leave me to my peace.
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People of Cowford,
This is my final message.
We gave it our all in the Gauntlet Tournament. I lost it at the final moment. We did our best. We’re southern champions.
May Cowford face battle again, our army shall return!
I am forever King of the South.
Capt. Lawrence
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People of Cowford,
Today we make contact with the Bills legion, the first objective in the gauntlet campaign. We fight for our city, for our people. Cowford vs. All Y’all. I fear NO Mafia. Rally at 1300. Bring everything you’ve got.
I am Captain Lawrence
King of the South
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This is a formal message to the other armies of the southern conference that we have fought this year including Capt. Rivers.
Capt. Lawrence
King of the South
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People of Cowford,
We stand as one of fourteen in the Gauntlet Tournament
We fight to claim the crown of greatest army ever known! In round one, we welcome the Bills and Capt. Allen. We fear no flaming tables nor mafia! We are ready!
For I am
Capt. Lawrence
King of the South
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People of Cowford,
For we once could not prevail in battle and we now are the Best of the South!!
Armies of the Gauntlet Tourney. You have been put on notice for we have awaken!! People of Cowford, this night, we make merry! DUVAL!
For I am Capt. Lawrence.
King of the South
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People of Cowford,
The Measley Titan army is on our soil. They think they can fight the greatest army in the south. But we shall never back down from a fight. For if we win this battle, our army are the rulers of the south. Today we fight!!
Captain Lawrence. King of the South.
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People of Cowford,
Capt. Rivers brought a true test. He is a noble man. We now return home and challenge the Titan army to a final battle for this season. Then we venture into the gauntlet tournament to fight for true supremacy.
Capt Lawrence, King of the South
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People of Cowford,
We have reached Indianapolis. We stand ready to shatter the Colt army once and for all. Capt Rivers I ask you once more to stand down. I hold you in high regard this fight is not yours.
Capt. Lawrence, King of the South.
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