Dadaist graffiti news. Halfway true comedy and satire for your doomscrolling by @DashMacIntyre. I don't report the facts, I improve them.
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BREAKING: Legal scholars say Trump’s ICE deportation policies can be used by a Democratic president to arrest Elon Musk on the street by masked agents in an unmarked van, hold him in a concentration camp for weeks, confiscate all his money, and deport him to Sudan.
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BREAKING: Top GOP officials are reportedly asking the conservative Supreme Court justices to flip-flop and rule that all the gerrymandered red state maps are unconstitutional so they can undo the "dummymandering" that polls now suggest will backfire and lose them up to 10 seats.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump Jr. reportedly wants everyone to stop referring to the Russian oligarch who paid for his wedding as his "sugar daddy."
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BREAKING: Jared Kushner is reportedly worried the Democrats will subpoena him in January to explain to Congress what exactly he's doing in all his secret negotiations between Israel, Russia, and Saudi Arabia, and that his deals and personal payoffs could "technically be treason."
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BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly just realized that if Democrats win control of Congress they will immediately revoke all funding for the refurbishing of his jumbo Qatari plane, and Trump is angrily telling staffers, "I earned that bribe fair and square!"
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BREAKING: Psychologists say Tommy Tuberville's recent rants against furries are "textbook projection" because such hostility after 21 years coaching college football surrounded by various animal mascots "only makes sense if he's guilty about his sexual attraction to them."
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BREAKING: Secret Service agents reportedly use the code name “Rasputina” when discussing Natalie Harp.
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BREAKING: The National Association of Furries is reportedly providing transportation funds and per diems for 25 of the organization’s “sluttiest, most bondage-forward members” to follow Senator Tommy Tuberville everywhere he goes in public for the entire month of October.
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And he thinks the world respects him 🤪 thehalfwaypost.medium.com/th…
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BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly left his Trump TV microphone on for a bathroom break, and the sound guy had to hear Natalie Harp telling Trump, “No president ever had bigger dumps than you. Bigger than Lincoln and Washington. And bloodier. No diaper can contain your greatness.”
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BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly spent so much time explaining to a confused Xi Jinping why he had a picture of Joe Biden’s pen on the wall that Trump didn’t have time left to negotiate any new export deals to help the soybean and pork farmers Trump’s tariffs have bankrupted.
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BREAKING: A Republican senator is calling for an investigation into why a Russian oligarch bankrolled a funeral Eric Trump held for his pet mouse that he pet too hard and accidentally crushed its ribcage.
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BREAKING: The triple-whammy combination of cratering Republican approval ratings, soaring inflation, and dramatic reductions in Russian money laundering is reportedly forcing all the top conservative media companies in the US to pivot from "owning the libs" to "renting the libs."
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BREAKING: A new poll found that 81% of Democrats want Barack Obama to tweet out “Donald Trump looks like he needs a diaper change” just to see if it'll give Trump a stroke or heart attack and force him to resign.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious because the presidents and prime ministers of other countries have been posting their photos from the UN General Assembly with Trump edited out of them like he got edited out of all the World Cup trophy celebration photos.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly left his microphone on during a bathroom break from a "Trump TV" documentary he’s making about himself, and the audio of what transpired made the boom operator throw up, burn his headphones, and stop making eye contact with Natalie Harp.
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BREAKING: The "Trump TV" producers are worried Trump’s vain demand that they "document everything they can" is a giant gift for Democrats' inevitable impeachment hearings because Trump spends his days coordinating insider trading deals, calling diplomats for bribes, and napping.
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BREAKING: The Russian oligarch who paid for Don Jr.'s wedding party and arranged all the hotel details was reportedly overheard cryptically telling his friends, "the water drop does not fall far from the golden shower in that family."
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