You know that first time you hear a really great song and know it'll become one of your favorites? Some people are like that, too.

Do I like my body right now? No. Am I going to workout more and eat less? Also no.

I see Madonna is pissing everybody off again. Good. Gen X checking in: Were some of y’all born yesterday? You’re clutching your pearls because Madonna is 68, wearing lingerie, fishnets and thigh-high boots like she suddenly lost her mind at bingo. THIS IS MADONNA. She rolled around on the VMA stage in a wedding dress in 1984. She gave us Like a Prayer. Vogue. Erotica. Truth or Dare. Justify My Love. Ray of Light. Confessions. She made Evita, Who’s That Girl, A League of Their Own and Desperately Seeking Susan. She reinvented herself so many damn times that entire generations of pop stars are still borrowing from the blueprint. And now the woman who spent 40+ years telling society to go fuck itself is supposed to hit 68 and start dressing like somebody’s meemaw because you got uncomfortable with her aging? Fuck that. Prince never needed permission to be Prince. Bowie never needed permission to be Bowie. Madonna doesn’t need permission to be Madonna. And bookmark this post: The day Madonna dies, half the people dragging her today will suddenly post “We lost an icon 💔” and spend a week explaining how she changed music, fashion, sexuality and pop culture. I’m not waiting for her obituary to give her her flowers. Wear the corset. Wear the fishnets. Piss people off. You’re fucking Madonna.

The FDA has announced a nationwide recall of raw milk cheese due to contamination with E. coli.

There is a dangerous little window after I complete one task where I could either become unstoppable or look at my phone.

The really big ones are waaay too much for me to handle; the tiny ones are cute but, not my thing. * Winks at cashier, pays for pumpkin.

Soft hearts break with no sound

I actually met my wife on Tinder. Luckily I was using fake pics so she didn't recognise me.

[aliens finding Twitter] Aliens: They seem to be trying to brainwash each other while joking about their genitals? What strange creatures...

Give me something to dream about you...

It's just you and your mysterious bruises against the world.

excited for tomorrow’s dinner while eating tonight’s dinner

in canada, they call a 'sugar daddy' a 'maple father'

The FDA has announced a recall of pepperoncini after a dead mouse was found floating in a jar.

Apparently liking dozens of their selfies at one time is some kind of red flag, who knew.

People are great! In small doses.

My idea of socializing is I don’t.

Why is it called a ritual and not a witchual?

Find you someone that will love you like my cat loves walking past 3 scratching posts to work her claws on the couch

You seem like the type of person who’s waiting at the customer service desk 10 minutes before they open.