One core job you need to do as an adult is to consciously train yourself not to be like your parents. And the first way to go about this is to admit that, just like every other human, they are flawed.
The average African parent is judgemental, tribalistic, a people-pleaser, cares so much about what people who don’t matter or give a sh!t about you or them would say, and wants their children to be an extension of them. They want to continue living through you.
They fail to understand that you are a person whose entire life is different from theirs. Someone who has to make choices and face the consequences of those choices alone.
At first, you’ll think they mean well for you, but it is just them trying to live through you.
African parents, a vast majority of them, don’t speak well about other tribes, especially when it comes to marriage. They think every tribe is flawed but theirs. They are not even subtle about it.
And this makes you wonder if they really care about your happiness or some culture that is already outdated.
When an African parent wants to give you marital advice, their concerns are basically where the person is from, their religion, and probably their age.
They do not consider your happiness, which is the most concerning thing about marriage.
I personally don’t think anyone should have a say in whom you spend the rest of your life with. Advice is very much welcome. But when you start drifting towards condemning your children’s CHOICES, it is no longer advice.
And as someone who always says we should cut our parents some slack because it is their first time being parents, I now think that normalizing that isn’t good for accountability.
I do not want to go into details about how religion has taken a toll on them and how it influences their decision-making in a bad way.
The irony is, they go about parenting this way, then wonder why they are not friends with their grown-up children. They wonder why their children would rather maintain a long-distance relationship with them. They wonder why they can’t confide in them.
They don’t even realize how judgemental they are.
But maturing is realizing that African parents, especially, are very flawed, and it is your responsibility to do the work and not end up like them. Else, you’ll become the same thing you don’t like about their parenting, and that may affect your relationship with your kids in the future.
To be a better adult, and a better parent, you must first of all, break the pattern.