Not Sofia Coppola
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- Following 463
- Followers 1,056
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Can't wait to get really old and drive my car into the side of a Dairy Queen
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Your girlfriend just bought a new Subaru? Sit down, bro, I have some news.
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ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted random men to come along and mansplain things to me like i’m stupid
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Sometimes, a portrait doesn't look quite right from far away, but when you get up close, you think, “This canvas smells funny.”
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“Are you an adult?”
Me: Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
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You are hereby invited to the party of DOOM. We are HARDCORE and people will fucking DIE here tonight. Second house on the left, Snoopy balloons on the mailbox.
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let’s throw our phones in the ocean, fake our deaths, and run away together
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Um thanks for the suggestion, Amazon, but I'm not quite ready for a coupon for the book "Chair Exercises for Seniors."
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Told my barber to surprise me and he revealed he was the Zodiac Killer.
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Sticking stray pages of "Notes from Underground" into the mailbox of my stepdad
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54-year-old Italian lunkhead looking up at the Giza Pyramids in a mustard-stained white tee and going, "that shit is miracles, bro"
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Having my yard marked so I don't accidentally hit any underground utilities when burying a body
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Grown woman who is only in the following group chats: music, trees, and candy.
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But have you tried making banana bread about it?
~me as a therapist
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If this sentence inspires just one child to become future overlord of the Milky Way and lead us to scrappy victories against adversarial galactic orders, it will have been worth it.
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