I’m divorcing 😵💫
(I hate writing this post, but I want to share my lessons).
The story:
The first 7 days after she has left, I was fighting severe anxiety.
By “severe anxiety” I mean a terrifying feeling that I will be alone. That I’m not needed. I’m nothing, an insignificant stain on the surface of the world.
It was paralyzing. I was afraid to think, to go to sleep, to wake up. I was scared of existing.
Those of you who are deep into psychology has already figured the out the reason. But it was unclear to me back then.
We had 0 calls and barely texted. On the 8th day, my inflamed brain got too tired of the tension.
The fuse blew.
I started to live in a new world, where my wife is far and is never back. Like dead. Somehow, I assured myself, she wants to break up with me. I accepted and entered a new state - loneliness.
Then an interesting thing happened.
.. ...
For the first time in my life, I started being curious in my own feelings and desires. Real ones, not the ones driven by my anxiety. I asked myself many questions. One of them was: “what kind of marriage do I want?”
Wait wait. What a stupid idea to think about this after 3 years of being married???
Well, when I was proposing, it wasn’t me who did it. It was my anxiety which wanted to attach her nearby even more.
Being married ⇒ being together forever ⇒ being not alone ⇒ being free from anxiety.
This was the real reason why my brain made me to propose. Not because I wanted to marry her.
The type of marriage I want: a traditional family, kids. I kill mammoths and build a house. She takes care of home and kids. I help her with the kids.
The type of marriage I had: she had her own life goals and wishes (this is my story, not hers, so let me omit the details). I push her in my direction, fail, get frustrated.
So I decided to stop it (despite we love each other af). Crazy, but it was the first time I made a fully conscious decision on my relationships.
I started packing my belongings.
.... ...
On the day 10th, she has returned. Turned out, she never wanted to break up, just some space to be alone. A thing that many couples normally do.
When she saw my bags packed, she was, to put it mildly, shocked.
Oops.
It was a hard time for her. And for me too, because she is the person I love the most in the world. I didn’t want to cause so much pain.
But this time, I put my own desires above. It felt great to gain the power to rule my life. Perhaps children feel when same when they do their first step.
. ....
What is the reason of my anxiety?
My parents 🙂
My dad was an alcoholic. He terrorized his family, bringing chaos and uncertainty. My mom often had mental break-downs, which obviously affected me.
A childhood spent in a chaos and neglection leaves a mark. Such adults grow up with problems of listening to their feelings and desires, having a crave to control everything to reduce the uncertainty of the future, being prone to escapism and addictions (in my case, it’s food, nicotine, and porn), having problems with accepting compliments, being feared of getting abandoned.
I don’t blame them. They were raised in similar conditions. They had no other option but to continue cursed life paths.
I don’t blame myself for being who I am. A man with a buggy firmware. This just happened. No need to judge. I just need to fix it.
.. ...
What is going on now?
I was lucky to marry a smart and wise girl. She doesn’t blame me because she understands the true nature of my anxiety and why I proposed to her. She is helping me to figure out myself.
Right now, we are enjoying our last days together and help each other to enter our new phases.
I go to the Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) and Dysfunctional Families groups. Those have already found the answers to my questions. The groups and their books help me to understand my problem and find a solution.
I took a pause from work to fully concentrate on myself. I want to discover my real needs, wishes. Learn to listen to myself and respect my desires. But the most important, I need to learn how to remove the anxiety from my life.
I also started celibacy (no dating) for a year.
Ever since I started meeting girls, I have constantly been in relationships. A few weeks later after a break-up, I find myself living with the first random girl I met. Every time. I just can’t handle being NOT in relationship because I don’t feel myself needed and alive. I need someone to live for, to serve their needs. Otherwise, I feel useless because I don’t know how to live for myself.
I do not want to get into another relationship until I’m healed. That would be falling into the same trap.
. ….
Thanks for reading my story! Please let me know if that resonates. I have more to share (this post is only ~10% of what I’ve discovered the last month).
My wife left last night. And it's 100% my fault.
For the last year I was fully focused on work. Quit all hobbies, stopped meeting my friends.
Just sitting at home working. Most of my social life and communication was with her.
It worked well, but then a problem appeared.
When she was out with her friends for long, I started feeling alone and anxious. Couldn't sleep. When she returned home, I was crying and asking not to leave me for so long.
A day ago, she got tired of the pressure. Said she wants to separate from me for a week and stay at her friend's.
Ironically, I was aware of this relationship problem and never wanted her to be dependent on me. So I encouraged her hobbies and activities.
But I had no idea it could be ME who get attached.
I'm not sure if she will return, because she hates being controlled.
.. .
Right now I'm sitting alone in a huge apartment.
Watch random youtube videos 12 hours per day. A human voice gives a fake sense that I'm not alone.
I have friends. But it is hard to engage them. They go out only to drink beer and discuss their desk jobs. I feel like a black sheep sitting there because I hate bars (too loud and crowdy), I hate alcohol, and I find desk jobs the most boring thing. I don't belong to the party.
There are 3 possible solutions:
1) Get used to loneliness. I doubt it is possible because my dad left to buy milk 23 years ago, and I feel abandoned 24/7.
2) Get a new wife that is OK with being controlled. But that would be an easy way and literally a betrayal of our marriage. Not doing that.
3) Get friends I enjoy hanging out with. At 30s this game gets hardcore because poeple become lazy and stick to their surrounding only (colleagues, family). I hate to think I need to work a lot on smth that just to feel OK.
. . ..
I've been claiming I'm happy I don't have to go to an office every day. But deeply in my heart, I always wanted it.