Okay, you’re not gonna believe me here, but I promise I’m not making any of this up. There’s no satire today, just straight reporting. It’s almost like I’m a real journalist or something. Here goes…
Israeli opposition leader Avigdor Lieberman has released campaign ads accusing Netanyahu of being pro-Palestine. Yes, the man who bombed every school and hospital in Gaza, gunned down people in food queues, and denied kids anaesthetic for operations is pro-Palestine now.
I’m not sure if you know this, but leaving a single micro-organism alive in Gaza is unacceptable to Israelis. In fact, I think it’s a form of antisemitism.
Still, I’d say it’s harsh to call the world’s biggest war criminal “pro-Palestine”. It overlooks Netanyahu’s hard work transforming Gaza into a rubble heap on Google maps. Exterminations don’t happen overnight and Bibi’s carrying out a seven-front genocide.
Not every criticism of him is unfair though. For example, he’s been rightly accused of dreadful, low-quality false flags recently. Lieberman said that if he becomes prime minister, Israel’s false flag budget will increase by 20%. Naturally, this will be paid for by Americans who can’t afford to fill their cars.
Lieberman said the only leader on the ballot who has agreed to a Palestinian state is Netanyahu. He then awkwardly pointed out that Bibi’s the one who funneled “$1 billion to Hamas. That might’ve been the knockout blow.
In Israel you win over voters by showing you hate Palestinians more than the other side does. Therefore, Lieberman called for the Palestinian Authority to be dismantled, describing it as “a failed experiment”.
Under his plans, not only would Arab parties not be allowed to stand in Israel, but Palestinians wouldn’t be allowed political representation in the West Bank. Only an antisemite would call this apartheid.
Lieberman’s Yisrael Beytenu party posted on Twitter: “Netanyahu has agreed again to the establishment of a Palestinian state. This must not be allowed to happen.”
Netanyahu fired back that Lieberman’s actually the one who’s pro-Palestine, and he called a possible opposition coalition “the Muslim Brotherhood”. Yes, Israeli politics is basically a schoolyard game of “I know you are, but what am I?”
Netanyahu accused Lieberman of wanting to end the illegal occupations of Gaza, Lebanon, Syria, and the West Bank. Obviously it would be unthinkable for Israel to stop breaking international law. If anyone tries to do that, it’s an immediate career ender.
Netanyahu angrily rejected the accusation of supporting a Palestinian state, saying he made those comments back in 2009 when he was young and stupid. Today, he’s in full agreement with every other Israeli party that there must never be a Palestinian state. He promised voters he would increase Palestinian suffering by at least 300% if re-elected. Lieberman then offered 350%.
Ed Miliband wished both men “good luck” and said he looks forward to working with the next Israeli government on a two-state solution.