Well, it’s official, I have finally found rock bottom.

I’m done with tequila for a while. Last night, this one thought messed me up: I wondered about someone from Holland marrying a Filipino, and if that would then make them Hollapinos.

Gen X: Proud to be a member! That synth intro… IYKYK Don’t give it away, just tell me if you know it. 😎

Fidget spinners? Bless y’all’s little hearts, that’s precious. Us Gen Xers had clackers. Two dense little plastic planets on a string that would smash together so hard the sound alone could start a fight… then follow through and rearrange your eyebrow. One wrong swing and you were seeing Jesus, your mama, and the inside of the emergency room. Built character. Also built scar tissue.

Japanese scientists have allegedly used CRISPR to remove the extra chromosome 21 from Down syndrome cells in laboratory experiments, a potential step toward future treatments.

I had just finished installing brand-new carpet for the neighbor lady. When I finally wrapped up, I stepped out onto the porch for a smoke break, but realized my pack of cigarettes was missing. I looked back into the living room and noticed a distinct, lump right under the center of the fresh carpet. "No way am I pulling up this entire room for one pack of smokes," I thought to myself. So, I grabbed my hammer and flattened the hump until the floor looked perfectly smooth. As I was cleaning up my tools, my neighbor walked back into the room. "Hey, I found your smokes in the hallway," she said, handing them over to me. Then she looked around the room, frowned, and said, "Have you seen my hamster?..."

Look carefully at this group of nurses who are protesting here in Tucson. Very carefully. What do you notice? Notice the ages, the septum rings, the hair colors, the mannerisms…. Tells you all you need to know here. Generation of “poor me… it’s too hard and I can’t keep up.” They want the paycheck, but not willing to put in the work.

This always fascinates me.

This is the official 80s girl Saturday, and if you lived it you already know, your hair still remembers. You woke up in last night’s concert tee that still smelled like the arena and stale popcorn. Lucky Charms or Cinnamon Toast Crunch. TV already blasting because Saturday morning cartoons were a constitutional right. You sat through every commercial like it was part of the plot and still knew every jingle better than your locker combination. Then the pool. Hawaiian Tropic slathered on like you were basting a Thanksgiving turkey. Sun-In dripping down your part so the summer sun could finish the crime. Baby oil if you were feeling dangerous. That coconut smell baked into your skin, your hair, and every towel you owned. You flipped every twenty minutes like a rotisserie chicken and called it a tan. Your mother called it “you’re gonna look 40 at 20.” You called her dramatic and kept going. Afternoon was the phone. Cord stretched from the kitchen to the hallway floor like it was a lifeline. Three-way calling. Call waiting clicking in every four minutes like it had a personal vendetta. You dissected who liked who, who got grounded, who was wearing what to the rink, and whether that one boy even knew you existed. You hung up only because your mom threatened to unplug the whole wall. Then the glow up, Jordache jeans so tight you had to lay down on the bed and use a wire coat hanger to zip them up. Hot rollers or the crimping iron if you wanted volume that could survive a windstorm. Aqua Net Extra Super Hold until the bathroom looked like a fog machine at a Poison concert. Bic lighter under the eyeliner pencil because that’s how you made it cooperate. Covergirl eyeshadow. Maybelline Great Lash. Frosted lipstick. Maybelline Kissing Potion lip gloss, the roll on kind. Banana clip. Scrunchie on the wrist for later. Jelly bracelets stacked. Laura Ashley charm rings. Swatch watch. And you drowned yourself in Anais Anais like you were Grace Kelly instead of a girl with a Swatch watch, a mood ring, and a Trapper Keeper full of Lisa Frank stickers. Saturday night. Cruising with the windows down and the tape deck screaming. Meeting friends at Pizza Hut for a personal pan and those red cups. Then the roller rink. Limbo on skates like your dignity was optional. Couples skate when they dimmed the lights and played “Open Arms” and suddenly, everybody had a person. Fast skate while you and your girls held up the wall and roasted every couple, every outfit, and every rumor currently circulating. You fell. You laughed. You got back up because the floor was wood and your pride had already left with the last slow song, which was LL Cool J’s “I Need Love.” Whataburger after. Fries in the bag, AC blasting, hair still crunchy enough to cut glass. Home. Boom box on the dresser. Finger hovering over record the second you heard the first note of your song. Dual cassette. Mix tape already in progress. You caught the DJ talking over the last ten seconds and cussed like it was a personal attack. Phone ringing again, because nobody was done talking. And then you showered. There was not a chance in hell you were going to bed with that hair. Aqua Net Extra Super Hold does not “sleep it off.” That helmet was crunchier than extra-crispy fried chicken. You would’ve needed an ice pick or a chisel. So you washed it. All of it. The Sun-In. The coconut. The fog. The crime scene. You went to bed with wet hair and a mix tape still clicking in the boom box. That was a Saturday. Happy Saturday, you beautful aqua net fossils. And if your hair still stands up when it rains… congratulations. You peaked correctly.

What really happened after the State Dinner. The lost Xi camera roll has been found.

I’ve come to the conclusion that before I’m drinking alcohol, I need to eat liver. That way, the alcohol I consume gets confused and doesn’t know which liver to go after. BOOYAH… a biological misdirection! 😜🤭

Something I don't understand... If aliens can abduct us from anywhere on Earth, why do they insist on putting us back where they found us? Drop us off somewhere nice. Honestly, in this economy, free travel seems like the least they could do. Someone please explain.

My apologies in advance… but do y’all ever wonder what people who don't cuss say during sex? “Aw heck! Goodness gracious. Great googly moogly. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Yes! Yes! Yes!”

A coyote walks straight up to my car door and starts crying about fairness. Not “I’m starving.” Not “there’s a threat.” No. “I’m a big boy and I’m not being treated fairly.” “Some animals get all the HOA rabbits.” “This climate is violence.” “Your air conditioning is privilege.” I’m sitting in my car receiving a lecture from an animal that eats out of dumpsters and still thinks he’s the victim. He’s committed, too. Little whimpers. Little pauses. Waiting for me to feel something. Bless his Arizona heart, I don’t. Then a howl way off in the distance. He snaps to attention like the talking points just updated. One last look. Very disappointed in me. Then he leaves. Still a coyote. Still lost. Still convinced the parking lot owes him something.

They want you to think there is nothing you can do to change the outcome. They want you to stay home and not vote. They want you to think it's hopeless and that it is useless. It's not. Dig deep. Remember who your ancestors are. Get up and go vote! Fight. Fight. Fight.

Just know this: if you’re ever out fishing with me and you catch a bigger fish than I do, I’m cutting your line and pushing you in the water. What fish? 🤭

Fentanyl. Meth. What else?! Hobbs HATES Arizona.

IRONICALLY 2022 is the year Josh Shapiro was ‘elected’ Governor. ALSO, the same year stroke patient Fetterman ‘beat’ Dr Oz to become a PA Senator.

I am declaring November 3rd DEFEAT A COMMUNIST DAY in America.

Tucson weather doesn’t change, it commits identity theft against you. Blue skies at 2pm Monsoon at 2:12pm Flash flood at 2:17pm Then it pretends nothing happened and asks you why you’re wet. It doesn’t matter if your plan was a hike, a drive, or just walking to the car, you had just better pack sunscreen, a raincoat, and the will to live. The desert will use all three against you.