TRUMP DECLARES 'TOTAL VICTORY' AT STRAIT OF HORMUZ; IRANIAN LEADER 'BEGGING LIKE A LITTLE BABY'
By D. J. Truthington, Special Correspondent to the Trump Force One Press Pool
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a sweeping, unscripted, 47-minute address delivered poolside between putting drills and a well-done steak, former (and future, according to him) President Donald J. Trump announced what he called "the single greatest military-economic victory in the history of victories, maybe ever."
The target: the Strait of Hormuz.
The result, per Trump: "Totally ours. Locked up. Beautiful."
"I looked at that strait — narrow, dangerous, very overrated water — and I said, 'Somebody's gotta win it. Might as well be us,'" Trump told a crowd of cheering club members, empty chairs, and one confused pelican.
"We sent in the Navy — tremendous ships, so wet, so powerful — and boom. Gone. Their navy? Sunk. Air force? Lawn darts. Army? They ran so fast their little sandals fell off."
According to Trump's impromptu briefing — which featured a hand-drawn map on a napkin — Iran's entire military infrastructure has been "obliterated, in the good way."
When pressed for details by a lone reporter, Trump replied, "I have the best generals. They tell me things. Big things. Classified things. You wouldn't understand the numbers — they're yuge."
'CRYING INTO THEIR KEBABS'
The Iranian Supreme Leader, Trump claimed, has been reduced to "a sniffling mess behind a curtain somewhere, begging for a Zoom call — but I don't do Zoom, it's for losers. I do Mar-a-Lago. Very exclusive."
"He sent me a text — I don't read texts, they're weak —but someone read it to me, and he said, 'Please, Mr. Trump, take our oil, just stop the beautiful bombs.' And I said, 'Too late, pal. It's my oil now. I call it Freedom Crude. Smells like winning.'"
Trump confirmed that all Iranian oil exports have been rebranded with his signature and are now being sold to "every country that loves me, which is all of them, by the way" at a "markup so big it makes the Saudi's heads spin — and they spin a lot, believe me."
WORLD ECONOMY 'SOARING, JUST SOARING'
In a rare pivot to economics, Trump declared global markets "through the roof — higher than my tower, and that's tall, folks." He attributed the boom to "the Trump Effect," explaining that "when I win, everybody wins.
Germany's making cars so fast they're flying off the line. Japan is bowing twice as hard. Even China called to say 'thank you' — they never say that, but they did, tearfully."
He added, without irony, "Obama would've lost Hormuz in a week. He'd have negotiated with a kayak and a sad little flag.
Not me. I took it with one tweet. Actually, two tweets. One was about windmills — they cause cancer, you know — but the second was the big one. All caps."
GOLF METAPHORS ABOUND
The address featured no fewer than five golf analogies, including:
"That strait was a water hazard, and I sank it like a 12-foot putt at Bedminster."
"Iran's navy was playing in the rough — I sent 'em to the clubhouse permanently."
"My generals call me the Driver. Because I drive victory. And also because I drive a lot of golf balls. Very far."
A NEW NAME, OBVIOUSLY
In his closing remarks, Trump announced that the Strait of Hormuz would henceforth be known as the "Trump Strait of Total Dominance," pending "official approval from me, which I give to myself."
"I don't need Congress. I don't need NATO — they're late to everything, like my second ex-wife. I just need me. And maybe a Diet Coke. But mostly me."
He ended the speech by raising a putter in the air, declaring, "The world is liberated. You're welcome. I accept cash, gold, and Truth Social stock."
— No fact-checkers were harmed in the making of this parody, because none were consulted. —
