I’m scared and I can never have a normal life because of my ED
I am 23F and have had an eating disorder for almost 15 years now. I was 9 years old when it really started and I can’t remember the last time my thoughts about food, weight and my body weren’t ‘disordered’.
I live in the extremes, finally being diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa a couple of years ago after being left with no choice but to admit to my doctor what was going on while in hospital.
Only a few of the closest people in my life know about this side of me, including my girlfriend and 3 of my closest friends, my parents and family know nothing and I plan to keep it that way.
This disorder doesn’t feel like just a part of my life that I happen to deal with on the side, this has been the main though process and driving factor that controls every single thing in my life for over a decade.
What time I get up/go to bed, whether or not I go out in the day and where, what friends I can have, who I talk to, what hobbies I do, where and when I work, how my physical and mental health and state are, when and where I spend time with family/friends, my whole relationship with my girlfriend (that almost ended over this multiple times), whether or not I get through the day and how I feel at the end of it. Every little detail of my life and those around me is affected by this thing and I don’t know who I am without it.
I’m going through yet another rough patch where I thought I was starting to get a bit better, I had gone the longest time without binging for over a decade (almost 6 weeks) and was so proud and determined to keep it up. The only problem was that to resist the temptations and make it through each day, I was severely restricting my intake and losing a decent amount of weight. I passed out at work and got a concussion and could barely concentrate on anything else but the intense cravings and how I had to just not give in for a little longer.
I knew it was just a matter of time, so even though I managed to hold off just long enough for my next therapy appointment where I made a plan to not lose complete control, I still couldn’t stop myself and binged more than I ever have before for 4 days.
I went from consuming less than 1,000kcals a day for 6 weeks to consuming over 4,000kcals every day for 4 days. One of these days I even had 6,000kcals and that is the most uncomfortable I have ever felt.