BREAKING NEWS: I am pleased to announce that the United States of America has entered into an agreement with the Kingdom of Denmark and Greenland that gives the United States permanent control over security and all other needs in Greenland, completely addressing all of our many U.S. concerns. There will be no cost to the United States. At my direction, we worked with representatives of Denmark and Greenland to guarantee that the United States will forever have the complete ability to do what is necessary in Greenland to secure and defend Greenland and the United States of America. Additionally, from now on, no U.S. adversary can ever have a base in Greenland, have a military presence in Greenland, or make sensitive investments in Greenland without our express written approval.
-DJT