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Sitting across from a woman at brunch trying to appear sexually dangerous while accidentally revealing, through dozens of microscopic behavioral tells, that I once owned a weighted blanket.
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This coinciding with launch day of solana:Fj886GvHFyxQhunb4pw7WLRPRASNh25LT8Zpv8qqr3Ab coin is no coincidence. If you don’t think we have howlers in the executive branch, you are lying to yourself. Welcome to tomorrow; it’s for us.
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My date rants about her ex and “typical male dishonesty.” So I tell her the truth: I have been practicing this conversation in the mirror for eleven days and I still don’t know what to do with my hands.
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HowlingKanye retweeted
Put on my boots and the goddamn shoe elves fucked in them again last night. Ole gal is a squirter too feels like I stepped in a puddle.
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HowlingKanye retweeted
Her PH balance is all out of wack and she keeps begging to put the seat warmers on but I can’t risk my wife’s car smelling like rotten tilapia
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A beautiful couple walks past holding hands. I feel nothing. Comparison is the thief of joy. I thus return to adjusting the crotch of my pants behind the bus shelter.
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I keep a running list of things I would die for. So far it’s just “not having to make small talk in the Howler GC.”
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I never buy flowers for a woman. I just stop by the cemetery (for free) and grab the freshest, pre-wrapped bunch I can find. Never fails.
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HowlingKanye retweeted
Sometimes you get so drunk and desperate that when you grab your friends by their heads and look into their eyes you see that in that deep pool of black is no different from a shark
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Grabbed a table, waiting for my date, praying I don’t manifest one of my stupid little tweets.
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HowlingKanye retweeted
Nothing prepared me for the domestic bliss of living with a girlfriend like owning a dog. They both need regular affection, they do best when allowed to pursue their purpose and, sometimes, they need to be locked in a cage.
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Sitting in the waiting room at the dentist, I practice the small talk I’ll use on the hygienist. By the time she calls my name I’ve decided we are already in a common-law marriage and I will be very gracious about the prenup.
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HowlingKanye retweeted
This is Miss Jugalette winner. If you wouldn't borrow a car without permission/a license and drive 40 minutes to eat this out raw you are not a real wigger.
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HowlingKanye retweeted
I think a problem with the right is that it places too much emphasis on normalcy and alienates young people who might feel a little weird or different. We have to reach the boy at the edge of the playground. Even if nobody sees us do it. We have to expose ourselves to children.
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Tell me in our DMs then. I had the courage to be vulnerable with you, have some courtesy.
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Been seeing this woman for the last few weeks. It's electric. I've never been quite so enamored. I'm plotting vacations, hearing wedding bells - I've even taken to poking holes in my own damn condoms, just to cover my bases.
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