A Brady Bunch prequel, but it's a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol's first spouses.

Five things people might not know about me: 1) I have a degree in Architectural Engineering 2) I once was approached and subsequently interviewed to have my own talk show on Oprah Winfrey’s OWN Network (my audition tape included video of me juggling) 3) I have written, or contributed to, seven books, and my first book, “Things Go Wrong for Me” won an Indie Book Award. 4) I was interviewed by Jenny McCarthy on her Sirius XM show for my book, “The Vasectomy Diaries” 5) I received my Black Belt in Kenpo in 2013 and was awarded the title of Sensei shortly after

I’m “when I wanted privacy while on the phone I had to try to make the cord stretch into another room” years old.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Sir, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years. Hamburgers are $60 now and they made 12 more Spider-Man movies.

Apple Pay sent me a suggestion on how to split a bill among several people. I want to thank all of you in advance for my new running shoes.

Doctor's office: You're overdue for a physical. Me: Ok. Dr: We recommend you have one ASAP. Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one. Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

Me: [opening electric bill] Wife: How bad is it? Me: It's [quickly removes glasses] shocking. Wife: Me: Wife: Why for everything?

My dental hygienist tells me I have a really clean mouth. That’s probably only because she’s never heard me speak.

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of This Bruise.

My son: "Mom, did you eat all my Milk Duds?" Me: *silently chews for 11 minutes while holding up one finger, finally swallows*: "First of all, I don't appreciate your accusations." 😂😂

The good thing about fuel prices being this high is that it only takes me 12 seconds to put $20 of gas in my car.

I have the bone density of a much younger woman -Me, flirting in my fifties

My mom was lying when she said my face would freeze like that, it actually costs $700 a session to get it to stop moving

An Italian-Chinese fusion restaurant called “I’m Wok’n Here!”

Me: Hey we should get some new ornaments for the tr- Wife: No.

Me: Wanna fool around? Wife: I haven't showered in a day and a half, haven't shaved in a week and I still haven't brushed my teeth yet. Me: Wife: Me: So is that a yeah or-

Compare your kids school photos year-over-year and you can see them becoming adults through the gradual draining of joy in their expressions.

Me: *about to finally have a day off* My kid: *coughs* Me: no

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, "I drink it."