I don’t swirl wine because I’m sophisticated I do it because I can barely stand. IG @elgatoesmio
- Tweets 58,980
- Following 14,904
- Followers 20,888
- Likes 139,365
Pinned Tweet
Girls mature faster than guys because men don’t usually develop breasts until their mid 40’s.
100
4,253
5,674
Dreamer retweeted
If a plague tried to step to me I would simply bellow "you shall not pass!" Done.
1
38
64
1,084
Dreamer retweeted
When I tell my husband I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it. No need to remind me every six months.
1
15
71
1,843
Dreamer retweeted
Self-care tip: Lower the bar until you trip over it. Then take a nap where you fell.
1
18
39
715
Dreamer retweeted
And that was the last time I'll ever make a bet that involves waxing my ass.
1
24
64
1,461
Dreamer retweeted
For me the worst part about finding out a favorite fast food place has gone out of business is the 30-40 minutes I spend saying “Hellloooo, can you hear me?” to the menu board speaker box.
14
34
578
Dreamer retweeted
I knew when my pants suddenly burst into flames that my lies had finally caught up with me.
3
93
410
7,092
Dreamer retweeted
I have antibodies against things that don’t even exist anymore.
~ Me, flirting.
1
13
47
925
Dreamer retweeted
Karaoke night for men who really don't want to be there... you'll have to sing at least 1 song... your wife will get angry
14
16
336
Dreamer retweeted
it is fun to drive with the windows down blowing my hair around like Zhora the snake lady replicant before she ran screaming through a bunch of shop windows.
1
5
9
1,033
